Feelings and Fears.

The day we found out we were having another girl, I mentioned I had a lot of emotions that I wanted to write about. I preface everything I'm about to write by saying that first and foremost I want THIS baby. I want THIS baby to be healthy. I wouldn't change a thing about THIS baby because it's the same baby God gave us over 2 1/2 years ago when He also gave us Chance and Luci. THIS is the same baby we have prayed for and loved and dreamed of raising for the last 2 1/2 years...we simply just didn't know if she was a boy or a girl yet. While the fact that she's a girl hasn't changed how much we love THIS baby, knowing the gender has caused some unexpected thoughts and feelings that I thought I would share. I'm praying that I don't come off as ungrateful, because my heart is full and I'm not the least bit unaware of what a blessing she is. Making the unknown known just brings more clarity and, if I'm honest, a few fears as I contemplate how our family will be changing and whether or not I can I live up to this task God has entrusted me with...raising another precious daughter.

For some reason I kept saying she was a he. Maybe because somewhere in my heart a part of me wanted a boy. For the same reason, Jeremy kept saying she was a she. Every expectant parent always says they want a healthy baby and the gender doesn't matter, but I believe that in some part of every mom or dad, whether they admit it or not, everyone has a slight preference. Maybe the preference is derived from the genders of the other children already in the family, from dreams the parents have about what their child will become or accomplish or the kind of relationship the parent hopes to have with the child. I don't know. What I do know is that this preference in the beginning of a pregnancy doesn't diminish how much they absolutely love the child they end up having if it is the opposite gender than they "thought" they wanted. And in the end, they could never imagine their family any other way than the way it is and wouldn't want it any other way. All of this to say that now that I know she's a girl it's simply just taken some time getting used to the whole idea that she is, in fact, a she.

This pregnancy is so real now.  I had been feeling like I hadn't really bonded with the baby very much.  There just isn't time to sit around and think about the baby with 2 toddlers running around.  That coupled with the fact that after going through infertility and having the miscarriage in April I think I was just guarding my heart a bit.   It was a little difficult to put all my hope in the idea that we would be bringing another baby home.  Then the kicks all started to come and shortly thereafter we found out she's a girl and now she is just REAL.   This is really happening.  We are having another baby.  A baby girl.  I feel her, I've seen her...I love her.     I am filled with joy but yet I also have fears. 

My first fear comes from simply questioning my own ability to love and protect and care for a third child...a second daughter.  I believe strongly that daughters should feel like princesses...God's princesses first and then their daddy's.  Self esteem for a girl needs to be built at home, teaching our girls how valuable they are to us and in God's eyes and to their future husbands.   This is the only way I feel like they are able to be strong and have the strength to get out of high school and college "unscathed".  How can Jeremy and I make two daughters feel special and "princess like" at the same time?   


Will our daughters be good friends?  Will they be competitive?  Will Luci be a loving big sister?   Will she feel threatened by another baby girl?  I have a sister who is almost the same age difference younger than I am, as this little girl will be to Luci.  I have to admit that I wasn't a good and loving big sister most of our adolescent years.  I regret that so much. I was selfish and into my own life and never really wanted my sister around me and my friends.   We didn't spend a lot of time bonding in each other's rooms at night, talking about our hopes and dreams, fears and boys.  I'm not sure what made me treat her the way I did, but it was just plain hurtful and wrong.  Today we're still not close although there is no ongoing conflict between us.  I've apologized to her and I believe she forgives me.  We love one another but we are just not what I would call close.  We communicate through our parents most of the time, long distance.  We're happy when we get to see one another...but that is maybe 3-4 times a year.   She loves my kids dearly and they love Aunt "Yesy".   But when I think about my girls, I want more for them.  I want them to have that closeness and bond growing up.  I want them to be friends and to support one another and to know that they always have each other's back.  


Will Chance feel left out of the sisterhood?  Will Jeremy and I be able to provide him with all the boy fun he needs to grow and mature in a house with two sisters?  Early on I think I pictured this baby being a boy as much for Chance as for myself.   I had visions of two little boys playing basketball in the driveway outside while Luci and I tinkered around in the kitchen making cookies or crafting something fun.    With the genders reversed,  how will I bond with Chance doing "boy stuff" when the girls are playing barbies or dress up?  How can I simultaneously nurture all of my kids in the ways they need to be nurtured?

At one time I believed I could possibly have three more babies after Chance and Luci.  We had three frozen embryos total and I wanted all three of them to join our family.  I believed I would have the opportunity to raise another son AND another daughter.  Statistically speaking if we did in fact have three more kids, odds are that they would be mixed genders.  After losing our first two frozen embryos in April I knew that if God blessed us with another baby, it would be our last baby.   And as science would have it...would be either a boy OR a girl.   Either way, half of the clothes I have been holding onto would never be worn again by a baby in our family.   It's like I'm grieving that there is not going to be another little baby boy in our house wearing Chance's clothes some day.  As if that little baby boy would have helped me get back some of Chance's "babyhood" that I miss so much on some days when I realize he is growing up so fast.   If the genders were reversed I have no doubt I would feel the same way as I looked at all Luci's little clothes and decided what to part with.   But we WILL have a tiny little baby girl to fill Luci's clothes.  I will get to "relive" a part of Luci's baby stages at the same time I'm celebrating and drinking in and getting to know my youngest daughter.   But never again with a baby boy.  It just makes me sad.   I love this baby girl to pieces but there is a part of me that is just sad that there will  be no more children after her.  No more boys...or girls.  Our family is complete.  It's bittersweet...I've said that before. 

Tuesday afternoon after our ultrasound, the kids were asleep and I was just thinking...and thinking...and thinking...about all these things.  I went to my knees in my kitchen.  I cried and I prayed.   In my skin, I can't make my daughters feel like princesses, can't make them love God or one another, can't control whether they are friends.   In my skin, I can't simultaneously love and nurture three kids; a boy and two girls in the individual ways they need to be nurtured.   In my skin, I will never be whole and complete or have enough kids to fill up my house.  In my skin, I can do nothing...but worry that I won't be "good enough" for them.  And then fear and worry some more.  I know that fear is not of God.  I know that this is Satan just begging for me to let him have a foothold; trying to steal my joy.  So I sat at the Lord's feet and gave all that to Him right then and there.   All my insecurities and fears.  He has entrusted us with these three little lives.  He has a plan for their lives.   I thanked Him.  I asked Him for the love and wisdom and strength and courage and patience and grace to always love my babies as He loves them.  I asked Him to help Jeremy and I raise kids that would honor and love God and one another.  I asked Him to give me nothing but peace and joy about His ultimate design of our family...and He has.     

What's in a Name?

The first question everyone asks right after they ask if you're having a boy or a girl is "Do you have any names picked out yet?"   Some people don't want to reveal their baby's name before the birth.  Maybe it's just so that something about the pregnancy can be a surprise since more people know than not the gender of their babies these days.  Some moms just like having that special little secret that they share only with the baby's daddy...that somehow only the parents should be talking to their baby and calling them by name before they are born.  And some parents, I think, are just suspicious that some other mom or dad will "take" their baby's name before their baby is born.  I've heard stories of this happening.   Friendships ruined, etc. all because one family had their baby first and proceeded to take a name that some other family felt a special ownership too. 

It took us awhile to name Chance and Luci.  We were fairly certain what their names were going to be but didn't decide 100% until I went on bedrest and things were getting a little scary.  For the longest time we called them Bob and Sally.  Even before we knew they were a boy and a girl.  (Jeremy says he always "knew" they were going to be a boy and a girl but that is another story for another post...)  Anyway...when things got rocky we felt a strong sense of urgency to name them.  We wanted everyone we knew to not just be praying for our babies, but to be praying for them by name...for our Chance and Luci. 

Luci Bella means "beautiful bringer of light".  
Luci was one of my favorites for a girl from the start.  We love the movie 50 First Dates and that is Drew Barrymore's character in the movie.   Jeremy picked Bella because we had been to Italy while we were pregnant and thought it would be a nice reminder of our awesome trip...so we spelled Luci with an "i" to be a bit different and so that it was more fluid with Bella.  There is no familial significance to this name we just simply liked it and from the minute she was born this name just fit our first daughter.  It's hard to put into words how beautiful Luci is and how much light she has brough into our lives.

Chance Michael means "Keeper of records; who is like God".   
Jeremy mentioned a long time ago that he liked the name Chance for a boy.  Not sure where he got it from originally but his mom's maiden name is Chancellor so there was a family connection to the name that I really liked.  I actually thought at one time Chancellor would be his first name and we would just call him Chance but Jeremy held out for the shortened version as he did not want him to be confused with nicknames etc.  (Little did daddy know we would end  up with "Bubba", which he really, really does not like but I have always called Chance "Bubba" and always will.  Luci also calls Chance Bubba and actually Jeremy does too when he doesn't know I'm listening :)  He can't help it...it just fits.)   Michael is my dad's name and I think it is just so beautiful and biblical and I wanted to give Chance my dad's name to honor him and my dad never had a son to give his own name to.   "Keeper of records" is what the baby name books say Chance means.  This comes from the Chancellor derivative which was a person who was a secretary to british nobleman or kings.   This doesn't really sing to my heart and when I think of what Chance means to me, I prefer the more literal definition of the word Chance...."the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation."    There was a time when I didn't know if I would ever hold a child of my own in my arms.  Chance was our first born child (by one minute granted...but still).  He was our chance from God to become parents.

For the sake of my posts, and hoping that it will grow on daddy, I am calling our baby girl Scarlett...as that is my front runner for names at this point. Scarlett Mae. Scarlett simply means "Red". Hmmm...not very profound and not sure if I can name her that if she ends up having red hair like her sister and daddy. But I just like it. Mae is Nana Loretta's and my grandma and my step grandma's middle name. My other choices are Stella ("star") and Delaney (long form of Della, my grandmas' name...means "descendant of the challenger"). Jeremy also does not like any of these names. So he is on point now for bringing some of his favorites to the table.


I don't mind sharing her name...I'll be even happier when we decide for sure what it is so that everyone I know can join me in celebrating her little life...calling her by her name...praying for her by name.   I want her to be known in every capacity for who she is...not just as the baby or baby girl.  She deserves that.  She's been waiting a long time to meet us, as have we her.  Afterall, she was asleep in a freezer for two years.  

I'll keep you posted on what we decide.   If you get the opportunity I wouldn't mind a few plugs for Scarlett in Jeremy's ear.  Thanks!

Well Hello, Baby Girl!

It's official! We are having another daughter. Daddy predicted and he was right. She is healthy and perfect at 20 weeks. Lots of emotions going on right now that I want to write about but for now...meet our little girl. We are so blessed.







Such a perfect little profile. She has my nose, I can tell. All of my kids do. And nothing cuter than seeing her little tiny feet.

Love you baby girl. Can't wait to meet you in 4 months!








Sorry for showing your girlie bits sweetie...you'll understand some day! :)

Kicks...

I've been sitting here reflecting how this pregnacy so far has been much different than with the twins. All in good ways. I'm twenty weeks today. One week from this point is when I went on bedrest with the twins. Hard to believe. I feel so fortunate that I don't seem to be having any complications. I feel good. Occasionally if I'm having a busy day with the kids I will feel some tightness and pressure across my lower belly which reminds of how I felt most of the pregnancy with the twins but I really don't think it's anything to worry about at this point. So physically speaking things are good!

The baby was kicking like crazy last night and Jeremy got to feel "him" for the first time. I still feel like the baby is going to be a boy. Jeremy still says girl. We'll see. The more interesting thought is what color hair will he/she have? I keep picturing a red-headed little boy but only time will tell. We have our big ultrasound this Tuesday so I will be sure to post the results. Boy or Girl? Can't wait to find out and be able to name this little one.

This pregnancy has also been very different because I have just been so busy with the kids that I have had little time to really think about or sit around and reflect that we are actually having another baby. With the twins I think I was on every website, I was totally in tune with what vegetable or fruit the baby resembled size wise each week...what the baby was growing in utero...when the baby started to pee, grow nails etc. Not so much this time. Although, for the record, I did just recently read that at 20 weeks the baby is the size of a banana. Here is my belly pic from today...


I'm happy that I'm finally feeling little baby kicks (have been for a couple of weeks) because it's just nice to have the little reminders through the day when things are crazy... There is Life Inside of ME! It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is already halfway over. From where I delivered the kids it's 2/3 over! At this point I am having faith and praying for an April baby. Anytime in April and I will feel good and will be so much further along than I was with the kids. My due date is April 30th. If I chose to do another c-sec (which I am leaning towards) I can schedule it at 39 weeks...April 23. I brought Chance and Luci home from the hospital at 36 weeks. Still amazing to me.

I did go ahead and schedule a consultation with Dr. Grant, my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist that I saw weekly with the twins. I love Dr. Jones and I totally trust him but I felt like I just needed to meet with Dr. Grant at least once to find out exactly what my risk factors for premature birth might be for this pregnancy. That appointment is Dec. 30th.


I'm so excited and grateful about so many things. Being able to experience one infant...for one thing...and hopefully a relatively full term one. I keep telling myself that this is going to be a piece of cake compared to bringing home two premies. Although I will have 2 two-year olds running around so I know that will add some craziness to the mix. But all the things that were so difficult with twins; esspecially nursing through the middle of the night...should be so much easier...(please God).

But for now, I'm just relishing where we are, both with our "big kids" and our "little one". Christmas tree is up...house is cozy and warm with my hubby here while it's snowing and blustery cold outside...two little ones sleeping peacefully in their beds...and little baby kicks...Life is good.

An Unexpected Gift

Tuesday Nov 16th we started potty training. Full force Potty Training Bootcamp. Oh my. We didn't start until about 4:00 after the kids got up from their naps. Diapers Off, check. Undies On, check. Frog Potties in position, check. M&M jar stocked, check. All of the provisions were in place. As of about 7:30 Tuesday night when it was time to put the kids to bed, Chance had gone through 9 pairs of his big boy undies...9 accidents on the floor...but he had successfully peed on the potty three times. Luci, fewer accidents but still some...and two potty successess. I loaded up all the dirty clothes and started a load of laundry since I knew Chance only had four pairs of clean undies left. Whew...tomorrow would be a long day.

After a rocky start, undies on...mom decided to go the commando approach. Cleaning poop off the floor was actually more appealing that cleaning out poopy underwear. So, commando it was. More pee accidents insued...but some more successes. It seemed like we spent almost the entire morning in the bathroom. Training two kids at once proves difficult because inevitably, one kid just wants to distract the other kid from being able to concentrate and get down to business...thus, no one pees. The kids were becoming visably stressed and so was mom...we had lunch and they took a much needed nap.

After nap, the lightbulbs finally went off. I couldn't believe it...not long after they got up both kids self initated and peed on the potty all by themself. For the rest of the night, there was not another single accident and much Singing, Dancing and M&M eating by all!

So we are now into week four and I will say that all is still going well. The kids are still wearing pull-ups for naps and bedtime, but around the house we are in undies all day. They are both peeing and pooping on the potty. We survived our first road trip to Nana and Papa's house with no accidents. It's especially nice to have a van during these trips as we just put Froggy in there with us and we can just stop and let the kids use it and not have to drag them into a dirty bathroom on the road.

We've taken small little trips to Hyvee, the library and playing at friends houses and walks around the neighborhood with hardly any accidents. I do take Froggy in the van with us and the kids are able to pee before we get out and go inside somewhere which helps a lot.

All in all, I'd say that this whole experience has been less stressful than I expected. We did have some little glitches with Luci going #2 due to some constipation after traveling but I think she might finally be back on track now.

I was thinking back to the first few days we were training. I had completely cleared my schedule and had no expectations about getting anything at all done around the house for those few days. As a result, my kids had my undivided attention. We played, we ran back and forth to the bathroom lots of times, we danced, we snuggled. I wasn't worried about the dishes in the sink, the laundry, the toys all over the house. I got to see my kids in a whole new light; trying and succeeding at doing something new, a huge new milestone for them. What a blessing. I just fell in love with them all over again seeing how proud they were of themselves. That's the true beauty about how God has designed our lives and the act of raising children. Just when you think you can't take another day of the particular stage you're in...you're out of that stage and on to the next one. New challenges await but also so many more fun times and new blessings. Thank you God for the unexpected gift of Potty Training.