Are they Identical?

So we took the kids to Sam's Club today. Always a safe trip. The kids love it, they get samples and goodies and the carts are extra wide so the kids can sit side by side up front. Our trip reminded me of just a few of the funny questions and comments we get when we're out and about with Chance and Luci.

"Are they identical?"

I start by saying if you are, in fact, one of the countless people who have stopped me in the grocery store, SAM's, Target, etc. to oogle my kids and ask this question, I mean you no disrespect. Honestly, in my prideful way, I love the attention. But it's time for me to clear the air. It is genetically and physically impossible for a boy and girl to be identical twins no matter how much they look alike. In the words of that cute little kid on kindergarten cop, "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina." Enough said?

Now I will give you ooglers some credit. My kids do not make it a habit of displaying their boy/girl parts in public (at least not as of this writing) and my 16 month-old daughter does have substantionally less hair than her twin brother. In reality, it's barely more than peach fuzz and she could I guess be mistaken for a boy. However, I take back all that grace if she does, at the time said question is asked, have on a pink dress, pink socks and/or pink shoes.

I will also say that I find this question even more odd because Luci has bright red hair and blue eyes and Chance has brown hair and brown eyes.

Oogler, "Are they identical?"
Me, "Um...are you looking at the same two kids that I am looking at?"

Which also leads to another question we get asked frequently, which I understand much more than the "identical" question.

Oogler, "How far are they apart?"
Me, "They're twins."
Oogler, "Really? They don't look anything alike."
Me, "Really?"

Or we get the complete opposite...

Oogler, "Are they twins?"
Me, "Why, yes they are."
Oogler, "Oh I can tell, they look just alike!"

I don't mean to sound snippy and Jeremy and I do get lots of chuckles with these situations. I think some people tell us they think our kids look alike because maybe they think that's what we want to hear or something. I don't know...at times I can see the family resemblance, but they in no way look just alike. In any event, my kids are 100% biologically mine, they were conceived at the same time, I did carry them in my womb at the same time, deliver them at the same time. Yes, they are twins. Yes, they are totally separate and unique beings created in the image of God. I get that this whole twin thing can be somewhat confusing: Identical vs. Fraternal. I thought I could give you the simplified version in my own words to make it easier.

Identical Twins = 1 egg, 1 sperm, 1 fertilization. The fertilized egg then splits into two identical cells. These babies will look exactly alike; they have the same DNA and are ALWAYS the same gender. There is no "running in the family" for identical twins and it is not caused by fertility drugs. It truly is just a random happening of mother nature...but governed by God's divine hand.

Fraternal Twins = 2 or more eggs and 2 or more sperm. Each egg fertilized by it's own private, personal sperm. These babies may or may not look similar, but no more or less than any brother or sister would; they have their own unique DNA. Fraternal twins do "run in the family" but only on the mother's side. They are conceived when a mother ovulates, whether randomly in nature or by the use of fertility meds, more than one egg at a time. Also governed by God's divine hand.

In our case, utilizing In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), I was given Rocket Fuel (a.k.a. fertility drugs) to hyperstimulate my ovaries to produce many, many eggs. Those eggs were surgically extracted from my body and put into a petri dish. Add a good healthy dose of sperm from Jeremy to the dish, and we had 8 fertilized eggs. Octuplets! Well not really...but 8 little lives were created from our union. We had to decide how many we wanted to transfer originally. We chose two as is the standard of care in most IVF protocols. So we knew we were risking twins up front. And we knew they were in fact two seperate babies.

Having said that, it is possible that one of more of our embies could have split after the transfer leaving us with a set of identical twins along with a 3rd brother or sister. (I can't even go there...) Or one of the original embryos could have died in-utero shortly after the transfer before implanting in my uterus at the same time the other embryo was splitting, leaving us with identical twins. You get the picture...it's all a matter of multiplication and division...blah, blah, blah. So it's not necessarily a given that if you do IVF and you transfer two embies and are pregnant with twins that they are fraternal and the same two babies you transferred into your womb. Have I totally confused and lost you?

OB's and Perinatalogists can sometimes determine in-utero whether twins are fraternal or identical based on their gestational sacs. Identical twins can share the same sac and the same placenta but fraternal twins always have their own seperate sac but sometimes can appear to have one placenta if the two have fused together. Already knowing I was high risk for having twins, we were pleased when we had what we suspected confirmed with our first pregnancy that our twins were fraternal with their own sacs and placentas because it is a far safer pregnancy that the single sac single placenta identical alternative. Another random fact I never knew about the difficulties of carrying identical twins.
So I guess this post has just been for me to vent a little bit about the funny questions I get asked being a mommy of multiples, but I love every minute of it. Hopefully, maybe, you have learned a little bit more about twin-life. Having kids that look so different makes me wonder what this little baby I'm carrying now might look like. Red hair or Brown?...hmmm...hopefully we'll find out in 34 more weeks! Thank you Lord for your multiplied blessings.

Home.

I've been praying with Jeremy lately for contentment. Just to have moments of joy in everyday, no matter what chaos is going on in my house, regardless of how this pregnancy turns out. Not looking ahead 34 weeks but to live in the here and now and to be truly joyful. God answered my prayer today right in the middle of my living room.

I turned on some music and my kids and I were dancing. I love to dance and I'm happy that they seem to love music and dancing too. Chance and Luci have now learned to spin and twist and stomp. It's their latest moves and they are the cutest things I've ever seen. On a sidenote, they have also learned to hug each other. We'll it's kind of more like a head-butt with arms and occasionally crying is involved but the intentions are good and it's still precious to see.

My kids happen to like John Mayer's music. As of late, probably not the best choice, but my collection of his stuff comes from the pre-jessica-jennifer-saga and it is really good music. We normally spend all day with music in the background; bible stories, songs, nursery rhymes and the typical kid stuff. But everynow and then I'll play John Mayer. That's when the spinning and twisting starts. One of their favorite songs is called Homelife, it just has a good beat.

"I think I'm gonna stay home
Have myself a home life
sitting in the slo-mo
And listening to the daylight." -John Mayer

This was playing today and I found myself spinning around in circles, arms overhead...Luci and Chance were spinning around, bumping into one another, falling down, getting back up and starting all over again. They were laughing and squealing and twisting and stomping. I felt tears come to my eyes as I realized that I love this age and at that moment wished I could stop time and keep them this way forever. I love their smells, love squeezing their little bodies so tight. Love the all the noises they make. I was overcome by how precious these days are, even when they seem to be in slow motion at times. I felt nothing but pure joy and knew that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was home.

Life.

Jeremy and I had our first ultrasound this morning. Dr. Wilshire was able to identify one precious little gestational sac. It seems as if our other little bean has passed on to heaven. I know I am incredibly blessed and don't mean to seem ungrateful but I can't help but feel sad too. In my eyes, it's not just that we "didn't get pregnant with twins..." Both of my babies were there, they were living little creatures and now one is no more. I think about all the previous infertility cycles I went through where a pregnancy just didn't happen because life was never conceived. It was hard, but I lost only a dream of life...not the life itself. With IVF, whether using fresh or frozen embryos, life exists and then life is lost if the embryos don't survive at any stage of the process. I just feel this loss more profoundly.

I cried a little after Dr. Wilshire left the room and I think Jeremy feels the loss too. I can't quit seeing Chance and Luci's little faces when I think about the baby who won't be joining us here on earth. Knowing what cute, funny and smart little kids they've become. It just makes me wonder more about what we just lost. At the same time it makes me want to Praise Him all the more for the miracles that we do have. I know with God's grace the sadness will pass and we will see His hand in all of this. He knows what we need. He knows the difficult road Chance and Luci had and perhaps He felt it best to take one of our babies, so that just maybe the other one might have an easier journey this time around. Even as I say that, I know that my thoughts should really be that the baby who is in heaven actually got the better end of the deal...but all mommies selfishly want their babies here with them on earth.

Dr. Wilshire was somewhat concerned with the gestational sac that he did see. He was unable to definitively locate the yolk. The yolk is what eventually will develop into the baby. It is possible that since our embryos were frozen he/she could just be a couple of days behind and 2 days can make a big difference in whether or not the sac is clearly visible at this point. With Luci, at this same stage, he was not able to clearly see her yolk either. It was thought that she was not going to make it, but at our 8 week ultrasound there was her little heartbeat going strong. So, we are concerned but we have great hope and faith. We've seen firsthand what God can do in this scenario.

Hearing this news immediately takes us out of mourning for the loss of one baby to praying passionately for the life of another. We have an appointment next Thursday, we'll be 7 weeks along, to look for the yolk again. If it is clearly not visable at that point, then we will know that this life has passed on as well and this pregnancy is not in God's plan for us.

"All of creation is a song of praise to God." -Hildegard of Bingen

I read this quote this morning at the end of a devotional I was studying. How true Lord. We praise you for what you have given us. We pray for the life of this little baby. We pray for 34 more weeks of growing and developing. We pray for a healthy delivery around November 18th. Thank you Lord. Thank you.

My Baby Daddy

8 years ago today I stood on a sandy beach, celebrating having just married my soul mate. Even as I type it, I find the term soul mate to be stale, cliche', and not really the phrase I want to use but I am at a loss to find two other stand-alone words that describe everything Jeremy is to me.

Baby Daddy? Yes, but so much more.
Bread Winner? Yes, but more.
Mocha Maker? More.
Grass Cutter? Financial Planner? Travel Advisor? More.

Jeremy is the best dad I could ever pray for my children. I'm still thankful everyday that they seem to be getting more of his good qualities and less of my bad ones. Chance has Jeremy's curiosity and desire to figure out how things work. I love watching him try to put a puzzle piece in the right slot or fit a ball into a round hole. That's totally Jeremy. He's never afraid to take things apart around our house to try to fix them...and most of the time he does. Luci is the spitting image of her daddy; the prettiest red hair and lots of energy.

Jeremy is gentle and kind and non-judgemental but not afraid to stand up for what is right. Not afraid to confront someone in a difficult situation. He just seems to have a way with people. How to deliver not-so-great news in a way that is constructive and positive. He is a great manager and leader to his team at work.

Jeremy is one of the wittiest, quick minded people I know. He's the guy at the party who you think never says anything...but he just likes to sit back and take it all in. Waiting for just the right opportunity to pounce and all of the sudden he zaps out a one-liner, perfectly timed to illicit laughter from the whole room. I wish I could think of some specific examples but they would just be lost in translation. I do not have the gift of humor and cannot even retell jokes or stories without them becoming total bombs.

Jeremy is the provider for our family. He is not only the bread-winner but helps make sure the bread goes as far as it can. He's conservative, but not afraid to splurg on something that would really benefit our family.

Jeremy has been to more countries than I can count on my fingers and toes. He loves to travel and has given me the courage to visit places I might not ever have considered. He loves learning about other people, their culture and history.

Jeremy took us flying...just the two of us in a tiny little plane after he got his pilots license. He loves adventure. He rides a flourescent green motorcycle to work in the summer. He says it's to "save us money on gas" but I know he loves every minute of it and it is just one little way he recharges his masculine battery.

When I was on bedrest with Chance and Luci, Jeremy made me scrambled eggs with ham and cheese every morning and served them to me in bed.

Jeremy loves me unconditionally. I'm so thankful that more times than not he sees me the way the Lord sees me. All my flaws, bad moods and sometimes just plain ugliness. He loves me when he's vaccuming or cleaning the kitchen floor because he has come to realize that floors are not one of my strengths. He loves me when the kids are throwing food on Louie and the floor and I have obviously lost all patience. He loves me when I drive him crazy trying to tell him something by explaining every last detail instead of just getting to the point. He loves me. He makes me want to be a better person (another cliche' I know). He just loves me.

Jeremy is my rock. Too much of a rock sometimes but most of the time I'm grateful for his even-keel approach to life. Lord knows I have enough extremes for the both of us! He keeps me grounded. I cherish all the more, the times when he does let his guard down abit and I get to see glimpses of his heart.

A few weeks back, we had been praying for our upcoming embryo transfer. I was pretty sure we were on the same page but loved it when he told me out of the blue he had changed one of his passwords at work to "2Morein10". I knew for him, that meant he was thinking and praying about our babies daily, even hourly, everytime he logged in or out of a particular application at work. He loved and was praying for these two new babies as much as I did.

Jeremy never doubted Chance and Luci would be just fine through all the trials we had. He held my hand while they were born, he heard their first cries with me when the Dr's told us not to expect to hear any... he got to change their diapers first...he loved sitting in the NICU with them in the middle of the night, just watching them while it was dark and quiet and I was down the hall sleeping.

Exactly two years ago today we stood at the door of our Dr. unsure of whether or not to proceed with the IVF cycle. We just didn't know for sure if it was God's answer for us, or us just trying to force a baby into our family. God spoke to me very clearly that day and I realized He was in control. He was in control of whether it succeeded or failed. Any baby born from that cycle would be God's will. We could not force it with any amount of medicine or procedures. After dinner out to celebrate our 6-year anniversary, we decided to proceed. I gave myself my first Lupron shot that night.

2 years later we have two babies sleeping down the hall and possibly two more on the way. The first 6 years of our marriage were filled with many blessings but also a lot of longing and praying about when our family would start. The last 2 have revealed the answer to those prayers many times over. I thank God everyday that He brought Jeremy and I together and that He has blessed us beyond our imagination and we know there are many, many more blessings to come.

I love you Jeremy. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving our babies.

Fortune Cookies

I mentioned in a previous post that Jeremy and I went on a lunch date the day we found out we were expecting again. We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. At the end of our meal we each received a fortune cookie. I will start by saying that I do not believe in horoscopes, fortune telling or other things of the sort but I do believe in receiving little signs from God. I broke open my cookie and it said...

"Your ability to love will help a child in need."

I was so excited that the message mentioned a child...having just learned that we're pregnant. I wrote the date and "we're pregnant" on it and tucked it in my purse to add to our keepsakes for these babies.

Lately, I find that I can't help but ponder quite a bit on the "in need" part of the message. I imagine that no matter how many successful pregnancies and healthy babies a mommy has, every new pregnancy brings new fears that this could be the one that doesn't have a happy ending.

I am immediately taken back to my prayer at the time the embryos were being transferred.

"We accept any special needs of our children...we accept any difficulty that may come our way..."

Did I really say that to God? Did I really mean it?

I can say, in all honesty that at the time of the prayer I meant it. I wanted God's will to be done, but I also wanted those babies to live so badly. I think in some ways it was my way of bargaining with God. Let them live and I will do what you ask of me.

Now I am scared. What might God ask of me?

Our ultrasound to see the gestational sac(s) is Thursday. I can't really say that I have any symptoms of being pregnant. No morning sickness. Nothing really. But then again, I didn't have those things with my first pregnancy and I am, after all, only 6 weeks pregnant. Most mommies don't even know they are pregnant at six weeks. I just happen to have the exquisite pleasure of knowing the EXACT time and date my babies were both conceived and transferred back into my body. I still find it amazing that those two dates are 685 days apart and in the meantime I have two 16 month-olds smiling at me when I get them out of bed each morning...but I digress.

I have been getting more headaches, which I did also get with my first pregnancy. Hormone headaches I call them. I'm still being pumped with quite a few hormones to support the pregnancy. I suspect if all goes well on Thursday, this will continue for a few more weeks and then my Dr. will start to taper me off them. But in the absence of any other physical signs, even though my numbers were very strong, I am afraid that one or both of the babies won't be there. I am also afraid of something going terribly wrong with the pregnancy down the road.

When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Chance and Luci I started bleeding. I was terrified. I had been out working and immediately went home and called my OB. He was comforting and got me in to see the Perinatalogist but I had to wait 2 hours for the appointment. I called Jeremy at work and he arranged to come home and pick me up for the appointment. I just could not believe that I could be loosing one or both of my babies. I laid very still on the couch. I cried. I begged for mercy. I was afraid to move. The bleeding had slowed down quite a bit but I was afraid it would start up again.

Then I heard it, as plain as day. A voice and a peace came over me.
"Do not fear. This is not to be your trial."

Jeremy arrived at the house and I was still on the couch, but I just felt at peace. I just felt like everything was going to be OK. He took me to the Dr. and we had an ultrasound and there they were, my two little babies...moving and dancing...heartbeats going strong. There was no evidence of any bleeding from the placenta, so it was just considered benign unexplained bleeding; potentially just a ruptured capillary.

Later, at 21 weeks I went on bed rest, and what had been a pretty easy happy pregnancy was turned upside down due to a shortened cervix and pre-term labor. At 3o weeks I had a c-section delivery due to becoming pre-eclamptic. I remember thinking to myself...this is what He was talking to me about that day that I had the bleed. He knew I had so much more to endure. THIS was to be my trial, not THAT...not the loss of my babies at 11 weeks. It was by far the most difficult time of my life, but God was there. My babies are here. They are not just here, they are thriving. And yes it was the hardest time in my life, but now that things have turned out not just OK, but perfect...I look back and say, "That wasn't so bad...maybe that's NOT what He was talking about...What if there's more?"

All of these thoughts have not been helped by the fact that I have stumbled across some beautiful blogs of sister Christian women, who are telling their stories just like me. Thanks to Jesus, their stories also have a happy ending, but one that does not include them bringing home a healthy little baby. Their babies all went home to the Lord shortly after birth. I can't quit reading them. I am crying with them, for them. I can't imagine myself in their position and I can't shake the question..."What might you ask of me Lord?" or begging..."Please don't ask that of me Lord."

In my level headed times I know these are just the taunts from satan...trying to steal my joy in this pregnancy. Trying to make me doubt the Lord's faithfulness and mercy. Jeremy keeps telling me to "get off the internet!"...especially when he sees me sitting there with tears running down my face. I cry because these stories are sad. Why do I keep reading? Because they are the perfect example of beauty through the tears. Of triumph over death...they help me to appreciate what I have with my husband and kids but even more what I have in the Lord. But still there are mommies that don't have their babies to tuck in tonight, one of whom I happen to love and has been such a support to me. Thank you Kristin for sharing Amy's story that morning at bible study back in 2005...God used a tiny little life gone too soon to bring two women, who might not otherwise have connected, together in friendship.

Lord thank you for these two babies. I look forward to seeing both of them again at our Ultrasound on Thursday. I pray that it is your will that we bring home two more healthy perfect babies with all my heart, but I know you will provide the strength and grace to endure whatever may come our way....whatever needs our children may have. You are good Lord. All the time.

If you would like to read the blogs I have mentioned they can be found at:
http://www.loridoesmd.blogspot.com/
http://www.jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Thank you Lori, Lauren & Angie for sharing your babies with the world. Matthew, Jonathan & Audrey will not be forgotten.

Thanks for hopping on with me today. I'm sorry if this seems kind of downer but it is where my heart has been for a few days.