Life.

Jeremy and I had our first ultrasound this morning. Dr. Wilshire was able to identify one precious little gestational sac. It seems as if our other little bean has passed on to heaven. I know I am incredibly blessed and don't mean to seem ungrateful but I can't help but feel sad too. In my eyes, it's not just that we "didn't get pregnant with twins..." Both of my babies were there, they were living little creatures and now one is no more. I think about all the previous infertility cycles I went through where a pregnancy just didn't happen because life was never conceived. It was hard, but I lost only a dream of life...not the life itself. With IVF, whether using fresh or frozen embryos, life exists and then life is lost if the embryos don't survive at any stage of the process. I just feel this loss more profoundly.

I cried a little after Dr. Wilshire left the room and I think Jeremy feels the loss too. I can't quit seeing Chance and Luci's little faces when I think about the baby who won't be joining us here on earth. Knowing what cute, funny and smart little kids they've become. It just makes me wonder more about what we just lost. At the same time it makes me want to Praise Him all the more for the miracles that we do have. I know with God's grace the sadness will pass and we will see His hand in all of this. He knows what we need. He knows the difficult road Chance and Luci had and perhaps He felt it best to take one of our babies, so that just maybe the other one might have an easier journey this time around. Even as I say that, I know that my thoughts should really be that the baby who is in heaven actually got the better end of the deal...but all mommies selfishly want their babies here with them on earth.

Dr. Wilshire was somewhat concerned with the gestational sac that he did see. He was unable to definitively locate the yolk. The yolk is what eventually will develop into the baby. It is possible that since our embryos were frozen he/she could just be a couple of days behind and 2 days can make a big difference in whether or not the sac is clearly visible at this point. With Luci, at this same stage, he was not able to clearly see her yolk either. It was thought that she was not going to make it, but at our 8 week ultrasound there was her little heartbeat going strong. So, we are concerned but we have great hope and faith. We've seen firsthand what God can do in this scenario.

Hearing this news immediately takes us out of mourning for the loss of one baby to praying passionately for the life of another. We have an appointment next Thursday, we'll be 7 weeks along, to look for the yolk again. If it is clearly not visable at that point, then we will know that this life has passed on as well and this pregnancy is not in God's plan for us.

"All of creation is a song of praise to God." -Hildegard of Bingen

I read this quote this morning at the end of a devotional I was studying. How true Lord. We praise you for what you have given us. We pray for the life of this little baby. We pray for 34 more weeks of growing and developing. We pray for a healthy delivery around November 18th. Thank you Lord. Thank you.