Fortune Cookies

I mentioned in a previous post that Jeremy and I went on a lunch date the day we found out we were expecting again. We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. At the end of our meal we each received a fortune cookie. I will start by saying that I do not believe in horoscopes, fortune telling or other things of the sort but I do believe in receiving little signs from God. I broke open my cookie and it said...

"Your ability to love will help a child in need."

I was so excited that the message mentioned a child...having just learned that we're pregnant. I wrote the date and "we're pregnant" on it and tucked it in my purse to add to our keepsakes for these babies.

Lately, I find that I can't help but ponder quite a bit on the "in need" part of the message. I imagine that no matter how many successful pregnancies and healthy babies a mommy has, every new pregnancy brings new fears that this could be the one that doesn't have a happy ending.

I am immediately taken back to my prayer at the time the embryos were being transferred.

"We accept any special needs of our children...we accept any difficulty that may come our way..."

Did I really say that to God? Did I really mean it?

I can say, in all honesty that at the time of the prayer I meant it. I wanted God's will to be done, but I also wanted those babies to live so badly. I think in some ways it was my way of bargaining with God. Let them live and I will do what you ask of me.

Now I am scared. What might God ask of me?

Our ultrasound to see the gestational sac(s) is Thursday. I can't really say that I have any symptoms of being pregnant. No morning sickness. Nothing really. But then again, I didn't have those things with my first pregnancy and I am, after all, only 6 weeks pregnant. Most mommies don't even know they are pregnant at six weeks. I just happen to have the exquisite pleasure of knowing the EXACT time and date my babies were both conceived and transferred back into my body. I still find it amazing that those two dates are 685 days apart and in the meantime I have two 16 month-olds smiling at me when I get them out of bed each morning...but I digress.

I have been getting more headaches, which I did also get with my first pregnancy. Hormone headaches I call them. I'm still being pumped with quite a few hormones to support the pregnancy. I suspect if all goes well on Thursday, this will continue for a few more weeks and then my Dr. will start to taper me off them. But in the absence of any other physical signs, even though my numbers were very strong, I am afraid that one or both of the babies won't be there. I am also afraid of something going terribly wrong with the pregnancy down the road.

When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Chance and Luci I started bleeding. I was terrified. I had been out working and immediately went home and called my OB. He was comforting and got me in to see the Perinatalogist but I had to wait 2 hours for the appointment. I called Jeremy at work and he arranged to come home and pick me up for the appointment. I just could not believe that I could be loosing one or both of my babies. I laid very still on the couch. I cried. I begged for mercy. I was afraid to move. The bleeding had slowed down quite a bit but I was afraid it would start up again.

Then I heard it, as plain as day. A voice and a peace came over me.
"Do not fear. This is not to be your trial."

Jeremy arrived at the house and I was still on the couch, but I just felt at peace. I just felt like everything was going to be OK. He took me to the Dr. and we had an ultrasound and there they were, my two little babies...moving and dancing...heartbeats going strong. There was no evidence of any bleeding from the placenta, so it was just considered benign unexplained bleeding; potentially just a ruptured capillary.

Later, at 21 weeks I went on bed rest, and what had been a pretty easy happy pregnancy was turned upside down due to a shortened cervix and pre-term labor. At 3o weeks I had a c-section delivery due to becoming pre-eclamptic. I remember thinking to myself...this is what He was talking to me about that day that I had the bleed. He knew I had so much more to endure. THIS was to be my trial, not THAT...not the loss of my babies at 11 weeks. It was by far the most difficult time of my life, but God was there. My babies are here. They are not just here, they are thriving. And yes it was the hardest time in my life, but now that things have turned out not just OK, but perfect...I look back and say, "That wasn't so bad...maybe that's NOT what He was talking about...What if there's more?"

All of these thoughts have not been helped by the fact that I have stumbled across some beautiful blogs of sister Christian women, who are telling their stories just like me. Thanks to Jesus, their stories also have a happy ending, but one that does not include them bringing home a healthy little baby. Their babies all went home to the Lord shortly after birth. I can't quit reading them. I am crying with them, for them. I can't imagine myself in their position and I can't shake the question..."What might you ask of me Lord?" or begging..."Please don't ask that of me Lord."

In my level headed times I know these are just the taunts from satan...trying to steal my joy in this pregnancy. Trying to make me doubt the Lord's faithfulness and mercy. Jeremy keeps telling me to "get off the internet!"...especially when he sees me sitting there with tears running down my face. I cry because these stories are sad. Why do I keep reading? Because they are the perfect example of beauty through the tears. Of triumph over death...they help me to appreciate what I have with my husband and kids but even more what I have in the Lord. But still there are mommies that don't have their babies to tuck in tonight, one of whom I happen to love and has been such a support to me. Thank you Kristin for sharing Amy's story that morning at bible study back in 2005...God used a tiny little life gone too soon to bring two women, who might not otherwise have connected, together in friendship.

Lord thank you for these two babies. I look forward to seeing both of them again at our Ultrasound on Thursday. I pray that it is your will that we bring home two more healthy perfect babies with all my heart, but I know you will provide the strength and grace to endure whatever may come our way....whatever needs our children may have. You are good Lord. All the time.

If you would like to read the blogs I have mentioned they can be found at:
http://www.loridoesmd.blogspot.com/
http://www.jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Thank you Lori, Lauren & Angie for sharing your babies with the world. Matthew, Jonathan & Audrey will not be forgotten.

Thanks for hopping on with me today. I'm sorry if this seems kind of downer but it is where my heart has been for a few days.