I'm a Mommy.

Thank you sun washing over my face.
Thank you breeze dancing on my skin.
Did you know how I needed you this morning?

Thank you Lord for your mercy. After being on such high doses of hormones, stopping them cold turkey on Thursday triggered the beginning of the end. I'm thankful things are progressing faster than I anticipated and seem to be uncomplicated. I didn't want to have to sit around waiting and dreading and fearing how things might be. I'm still so sad that we have to say goodbye to these babies but I just want this to be over so we can move on.

Did I just write that? That this seems to be uncomplicated? Thankfully from a medical standpoint things seem to be uncomplicated. As for me personally, emotionally, it's been rough. This is unchartered territory for me. In the five years we tried to have Chance and Luci, I simply never got pregnant. I've never lost a baby before. What is the protocol for getting through this? How or will I even tell people?

"How was your Easter?"
"Great, got to watch the kids hunt easter eggs, and oh, yeah I had a miscarriage."

Obviously not a great way to start off someone's Monday. Especially when no one even knew we were pregnant. The brunt of things seem to have happened yesterday. I spotted a little on Friday and then seemed to be getting worse on Saturday. I was out and about. I wasn't sure if I should be or how bad things might get, but Jeremy competed in his first ever duathalon; running and biking...and I wanted to take the kids to cheer him on. He did great. A friend of mine brought more kids and we cheered the daddies on while they biked and ran past us. I was very proud.
Life went on.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a wife.

We took the kids to the playground and to lunch. We went down the slide. They fell in the mud. They spilled milk, banged spoons on the table, threw food on the floor. Someone else's kid threw up. They had melt downs.
It was chaos.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a mommy.

After we got home and put the kids down for their naps I lost our baby. And then I lost it.

I walked into the kitchen to tell Jeremy. He held me and I sobbed harder than I can remember ever sobbing. I fell to the floor and he held me and I sobbed. I didn't know I could sound like that...shake like that.

I drifted in and out of sleep on the couch while my kids played with their daddy. Every now and then Luci would come running up to the couch and startle me awake. She wanted her momma to play. I pulled her up on the couch with me and she was just so happy to be there. She needed me and I needed her.

I woke this morning and we went to church. I saw friends. I worshipped. No one knew I had a miscarriage.

Hallelujah! Our Savior is Alive!

Our sermon at church this morning was so what I needed to hear...confirmation of what I already know. Life on earth can never live up to all our hopes and expectations. But Thank You Jesus. You will. I may never have my arms full of enough kids. I may never be smart, pretty, skinny or organized enough. I will surely have more heartache in this life. Thank you Lord for the hope I have in You. Thank you for all the blessings you've given me on this earth. Jeremy, Chance and Luci, my family & friends.

We came home and "hid" Easter Eggs for the kids outside. It was a beautiful day. I loved watching them run through the grass. It's still such a new sensation for them. They aren't quite Sure if they like grass or not but they love the eggs.

It's hard to grieve on a day like today.
I'm not brave. I'm a mommy.

Thank you Sun.
Thank you Breeze.
Thank You Jesus for washing me clean.

The End of Dreaming...

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." - Job 1:21

We had our 7 week ultrasound today. Dr. Wilshire confirmed that there was no yolk and no heartbeat. This pregnancy is not to be. I have stopped all of my hormones and should expect to start miscarrying soon. I am heartbroken. I went into this praying for God's will to be done and at peace with whatever the outcome might be. I really expected the outcome to be more black and white from the beginning. (+) = baby and (-) = no baby. We have been cautiously optimistic from the start, not really sharing our news. But I still never really believed that (+) = no baby.

I don't really even know what to think. I believe that life begins at conception. I believed that those two embryos were babies. Maybe the one embryo that we never saw on ultrasound was...but this one that we will lose shortly, never grew the "baby stuff." So was I really pregnant? What am I grieving here?

Above all else that I feel today, I still feel blessed. After my appointment I just wanted to rush home and grab up my babies and squeeze and hug them and kiss them all over. There are so many women out there whose arms still ache for their babies and I have two. From the outside it might appear that I have nothing to grieve.

For the last two years I have been able to forget about infertility. I have been able to live life not worrying about if or when I might get pregnant. I have forgotten how painful this road is...which is also a blessing from the Lord. But now, I am right back in the middle of things. Realizing that I did not get to choose when my family would start and I will most likely not get to choose when my family is complete. I know full well that God's plan is far greater than my own. I couldn't always see that when I was going through treatments for five years, but once I laid eyes on my son and daughter, it became so clear. I still believe that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but my heart still hurts.

One of the many things I love about my husband is that he is a dreamer. He's always day-dreaming about a trip to take, an adventure to take the kids on, a house to fix up. One of the things we do sometimes for fun is buy a Powerball ticket. We don't expect to win and we don't put our hope in winning. But we love to buy a ticket every now and then when the jackpot gets really high just to allow ourselves to daydream about all the good things we would do with the money if we did win. See, if there's no ticket, there's no cause for dreaming. So we plop down $1 and let the dreaming begin.

Jeremy told me today that he was thankful we had the opportunity to have joy and to dream about these babies. He was glad we bought the ticket. God gave Jeremy and I that day at lunch to celebrate and laugh about how crazy our life would be when we had 4 kids 2 and under. For a few weeks God allowed us to see our two babies playing next to Chance and Luci. Allowing those dreams to take root and then having them ripped out like weeds hurts.
But I agree with Jeremy.
My heart hurts.
But I agree.

So we grieve tonight for the two little lives that we lost...but also for the end of dreaming...for now. We have faith that God will comfort us, heal us and give us new dreams. We look forward to this Easter weekend with Chance and Luci as we celebrate the ultimate ticket that was purchased for us. Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. It is only because of you that we dare to dream at all.