The End of Dreaming...

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." - Job 1:21

We had our 7 week ultrasound today. Dr. Wilshire confirmed that there was no yolk and no heartbeat. This pregnancy is not to be. I have stopped all of my hormones and should expect to start miscarrying soon. I am heartbroken. I went into this praying for God's will to be done and at peace with whatever the outcome might be. I really expected the outcome to be more black and white from the beginning. (+) = baby and (-) = no baby. We have been cautiously optimistic from the start, not really sharing our news. But I still never really believed that (+) = no baby.

I don't really even know what to think. I believe that life begins at conception. I believed that those two embryos were babies. Maybe the one embryo that we never saw on ultrasound was...but this one that we will lose shortly, never grew the "baby stuff." So was I really pregnant? What am I grieving here?

Above all else that I feel today, I still feel blessed. After my appointment I just wanted to rush home and grab up my babies and squeeze and hug them and kiss them all over. There are so many women out there whose arms still ache for their babies and I have two. From the outside it might appear that I have nothing to grieve.

For the last two years I have been able to forget about infertility. I have been able to live life not worrying about if or when I might get pregnant. I have forgotten how painful this road is...which is also a blessing from the Lord. But now, I am right back in the middle of things. Realizing that I did not get to choose when my family would start and I will most likely not get to choose when my family is complete. I know full well that God's plan is far greater than my own. I couldn't always see that when I was going through treatments for five years, but once I laid eyes on my son and daughter, it became so clear. I still believe that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but my heart still hurts.

One of the many things I love about my husband is that he is a dreamer. He's always day-dreaming about a trip to take, an adventure to take the kids on, a house to fix up. One of the things we do sometimes for fun is buy a Powerball ticket. We don't expect to win and we don't put our hope in winning. But we love to buy a ticket every now and then when the jackpot gets really high just to allow ourselves to daydream about all the good things we would do with the money if we did win. See, if there's no ticket, there's no cause for dreaming. So we plop down $1 and let the dreaming begin.

Jeremy told me today that he was thankful we had the opportunity to have joy and to dream about these babies. He was glad we bought the ticket. God gave Jeremy and I that day at lunch to celebrate and laugh about how crazy our life would be when we had 4 kids 2 and under. For a few weeks God allowed us to see our two babies playing next to Chance and Luci. Allowing those dreams to take root and then having them ripped out like weeds hurts.
But I agree with Jeremy.
My heart hurts.
But I agree.

So we grieve tonight for the two little lives that we lost...but also for the end of dreaming...for now. We have faith that God will comfort us, heal us and give us new dreams. We look forward to this Easter weekend with Chance and Luci as we celebrate the ultimate ticket that was purchased for us. Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. It is only because of you that we dare to dream at all.