Blast-Off Mom!: I'm a Mommy.

Thank you sun washing over my face.
Thank you breeze dancing on my skin.
Did you know how I needed you this morning?

Thank you Lord for your mercy. After being on such high doses of hormones, stopping them cold turkey on Thursday triggered the beginning of the end. I'm thankful things are progressing faster than I anticipated and seem to be uncomplicated. I didn't want to have to sit around waiting and dreading and fearing how things might be. I'm still so sad that we have to say goodbye to these babies but I just want this to be over so we can move on.

Did I just write that? That this seems to be uncomplicated? Thankfully from a medical standpoint things seem to be uncomplicated. As for me personally, emotionally, it's been rough. This is unchartered territory for me. In the five years we tried to have Chance and Luci, I simply never got pregnant. I've never lost a baby before. What is the protocol for getting through this? How or will I even tell people?

"How was your Easter?"
"Great, got to watch the kids hunt easter eggs, and oh, yeah I had a miscarriage."

Obviously not a great way to start off someone's Monday. Especially when no one even knew we were pregnant. The brunt of things seem to have happened yesterday. I spotted a little on Friday and then seemed to be getting worse on Saturday. I was out and about. I wasn't sure if I should be or how bad things might get, but Jeremy competed in his first ever duathalon; running and biking...and I wanted to take the kids to cheer him on. He did great. A friend of mine brought more kids and we cheered the daddies on while they biked and ran past us. I was very proud.
Life went on.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a wife.

We took the kids to the playground and to lunch. We went down the slide. They fell in the mud. They spilled milk, banged spoons on the table, threw food on the floor. Someone else's kid threw up. They had melt downs.
It was chaos.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a mommy.

After we got home and put the kids down for their naps I lost our baby. And then I lost it.

I walked into the kitchen to tell Jeremy. He held me and I sobbed harder than I can remember ever sobbing. I fell to the floor and he held me and I sobbed. I didn't know I could sound like that...shake like that.

I drifted in and out of sleep on the couch while my kids played with their daddy. Every now and then Luci would come running up to the couch and startle me awake. She wanted her momma to play. I pulled her up on the couch with me and she was just so happy to be there. She needed me and I needed her.

I woke this morning and we went to church. I saw friends. I worshipped. No one knew I had a miscarriage.

Hallelujah! Our Savior is Alive!

Our sermon at church this morning was so what I needed to hear...confirmation of what I already know. Life on earth can never live up to all our hopes and expectations. But Thank You Jesus. You will. I may never have my arms full of enough kids. I may never be smart, pretty, skinny or organized enough. I will surely have more heartache in this life. Thank you Lord for the hope I have in You. Thank you for all the blessings you've given me on this earth. Jeremy, Chance and Luci, my family & friends.

We came home and "hid" Easter Eggs for the kids outside. It was a beautiful day. I loved watching them run through the grass. It's still such a new sensation for them. They aren't quite Sure if they like grass or not but they love the eggs.