Merging.

Merging: transitive verb to blend gradually in stages that blur distinction.

I had not intended for 4 months to go by without writing. Where have I been? What have I been up to? I like to call what I've been attempting is merging. Merging my life as woman, wife, homemaker, friend, daughter, sister, servant with my life as a mom.

While I feel like I've been a good mom up to this point, (exhibit A: 2 happy healthy kids), I haven't done a very good job of living life as a mom, in the midst of all my other roles.

Some of this is due to the fact that for 9 weeks leading up to my introduction to my kids, I was on strict bed rest. I could not leave the house, or my couch or bed for that matter, except to go to the doctor. When my kids were born, they spent 6 weeks in the Neonatal ICU. When they came home we spent almost 4 months under house arrest to keep them from getting sick during cold and flu season. I adapted to life in isolation. Doing what needed to be done for the survival of me and my babies. I got used to it. But looking back now, it was a very lonely time. As lonely as it was it was still hard to break myself out of my new comfort zone in the mode of isolation. It was more difficult than I thought to merge back into life.

By the time we went through our last transfer and brief pregnancy in March and April, I think I had started the merger process but still didn't have things really well figured out. After I lost the babies in April, God gave me the ability to see that everyday with my kids is truly precious. As if I didn't know that already but being able to look at it from their eyes and their opportunities to experience life and all the fun it has to offer. Maybe, I had been holding them back somewhat. Holding myself back from fully re-entering life.

So, since then...where have we been...where are we now...where are we going?

Jeremy and I recuperated from losing the babies in Cancun.
We've taken several trips to visit Grandparents.
Celebrated the Kentucky Derby.
Took the Kids Strawberry Picking.
Celebrated Granny's Retirement.
Took the kids Swimming.
Playing with our friends.
Experienced our First Kids Club (VBS)
Celebrated Nana's Birthday.
Had a mini-vacation in Anderson.
Luci is talking our heads off!
Chance is climbing on any and everything he can!
Walked with two friends through their IVF cycles.
Celebrated a pregnancy and mourned a failure.
Realized God is still leading me to ministry in infertility.
Planning GracefulWait Ministry
Discovered the fun of spray parks.
Luci discovered her love of Mommy's shoes, purses, jewelry and makeup
Chance likes to sweep, mow and vacuum...just like daddy
Walked with a friend through her FET success and then baby loss.
Planned a trip to take the kids to Disney.
Bought another house to FLIP.
Took the kids on their 1st bike ride in the Burley from our house to downtown on the Katy Trail
Meeting with friends for coffee and prayer.
Started taking on a few decorating jobs.
Visiting 3 pregnant twin mommies on hospital bed rest.
Re-discovered my love of scrapbooking.
Working on a service project for the NICU the kids stayed in.
Teaching bible stories to 1 and 2-year olds at church.
Jeremy successfully took on a huge project at work.
Taught the kids how to throw away their own trash.
Attempting to teach them not to play in said trash after throwing it away.
...
Went back for our last remaining frozen embie transfer yesterday on August 12. Will find out the results on August 21. Stay tuned.

Our embryologist, Jamie Sutton, told us this little guy (I think it's a boy) looked as good as he did the day she froze him which almost never happens. Looking back at our last two embryos, she didn't say all the positive things about them that she had to say about this one. Comparing pictures, as any mom does with her babies, I agree that this one looks perfect. Almost identical to Chance and Luci. Appropriate since it was actually frozen the same day as Chance and Luci. So that just confirms to me that those other two little babies were never meant to share their life with us here on earth. God just took them on up to love on himself. They were only Grade II's and not fully expanded by the time the transfer took place. This little guy is different. He just looked perfect and the transfer went perfectly. My hope is high. My trust is deep. I'll try to get a picture in here later. I'm on bed rest right now.

Granny & Papaw are playing and entertaining Chance and Luci. Jeremy is off closing on our FLIP house and starting work. Life is busy but good.

Yesterday I was reading my daily devotional and the verses for Aug 11 and 12th leading up to our transfer, wouldn't you know it...were these.

August 11th
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

August 12th
Romans 8:24-25
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

For those of you who have read my previous posts, the significance of James 1:17 is explained. I could not believe this verse popped up yet again in this transfer. But yes, really I can. Many blessings and gifts have come since the loss of those babies in April and I know many more will come from this little life. That's how my God works. I pray we get to share life with this little guy and raise him. I have faith in the ending to my story that God has already written, whatever that ending may be.

The significance of Romans 8:24-25 is HUGE. This is one of the verses that spoke to me before I was even pregnant with Chance and Luci. It helped me to keep hope alive. To know that God had good things in store for me. That my job is to be patient and wait on him. Still is really. In 2007 I started facilitating a bible study called Hannah's Hope that dealt with infertility and miscarriage. I met many wonderful women and was able to walk with them on their journeys towards motherhood and gained support from them on mine. I had my first babies but I knew my waiting wasn't over. God still had more in store. I've kept this verse close ever since. I use it to encourage others who are on similar journeys. It still speaks to my soul. It's one of the theme verses for the new infertility ministry I am starting at The Crossing, my church. GracefulWait. So to have it in my devotional on the day of my transfer is no coincidence. My God still speaks to me.

Wednesday night, Jeremy and I had a chance for some quiet time after the kids went to bed. Just to talk and reflect. I found myself tearing up thinking that this transfer is it for us. Whatever the outcome, we will pursue no more fertility treatments after this. We believe this baby will come home with us, but even that still brings some sadness. When Dr's and treatments have been a part of your life for so long. When living in the What-ifs has become the norm, not knowing if or when your family will grow. To finally be able to say, "Our family is Complete" is bittersweet.
It is relief, yet sadness.
It is hope, yet fear.
It is moving forward, no longer stuck.
It is faith that no matter what the final picture of our family looks like, it will be perfect. God has already seen to it. I'm trusting God to fill up all the holes I think I have in my life with himself and blessings that I can't even begin to know are out there.
I'm letting go.
I want this baby.
I believe this baby is going to come home with us, but I'm ready to move forward and let God do with my life what HE wills.
I'm continually merging as God helps me focus on how to do life for His Glory with two, maybe three, kids.
It's been gradual.
It's been blurry.

And most days, it feels good.