Feelings and Fears.

The day we found out we were having another girl, I mentioned I had a lot of emotions that I wanted to write about. I preface everything I'm about to write by saying that first and foremost I want THIS baby. I want THIS baby to be healthy. I wouldn't change a thing about THIS baby because it's the same baby God gave us over 2 1/2 years ago when He also gave us Chance and Luci. THIS is the same baby we have prayed for and loved and dreamed of raising for the last 2 1/2 years...we simply just didn't know if she was a boy or a girl yet. While the fact that she's a girl hasn't changed how much we love THIS baby, knowing the gender has caused some unexpected thoughts and feelings that I thought I would share. I'm praying that I don't come off as ungrateful, because my heart is full and I'm not the least bit unaware of what a blessing she is. Making the unknown known just brings more clarity and, if I'm honest, a few fears as I contemplate how our family will be changing and whether or not I can I live up to this task God has entrusted me with...raising another precious daughter.

For some reason I kept saying she was a he. Maybe because somewhere in my heart a part of me wanted a boy. For the same reason, Jeremy kept saying she was a she. Every expectant parent always says they want a healthy baby and the gender doesn't matter, but I believe that in some part of every mom or dad, whether they admit it or not, everyone has a slight preference. Maybe the preference is derived from the genders of the other children already in the family, from dreams the parents have about what their child will become or accomplish or the kind of relationship the parent hopes to have with the child. I don't know. What I do know is that this preference in the beginning of a pregnancy doesn't diminish how much they absolutely love the child they end up having if it is the opposite gender than they "thought" they wanted. And in the end, they could never imagine their family any other way than the way it is and wouldn't want it any other way. All of this to say that now that I know she's a girl it's simply just taken some time getting used to the whole idea that she is, in fact, a she.

This pregnancy is so real now.  I had been feeling like I hadn't really bonded with the baby very much.  There just isn't time to sit around and think about the baby with 2 toddlers running around.  That coupled with the fact that after going through infertility and having the miscarriage in April I think I was just guarding my heart a bit.   It was a little difficult to put all my hope in the idea that we would be bringing another baby home.  Then the kicks all started to come and shortly thereafter we found out she's a girl and now she is just REAL.   This is really happening.  We are having another baby.  A baby girl.  I feel her, I've seen her...I love her.     I am filled with joy but yet I also have fears. 

My first fear comes from simply questioning my own ability to love and protect and care for a third child...a second daughter.  I believe strongly that daughters should feel like princesses...God's princesses first and then their daddy's.  Self esteem for a girl needs to be built at home, teaching our girls how valuable they are to us and in God's eyes and to their future husbands.   This is the only way I feel like they are able to be strong and have the strength to get out of high school and college "unscathed".  How can Jeremy and I make two daughters feel special and "princess like" at the same time?   


Will our daughters be good friends?  Will they be competitive?  Will Luci be a loving big sister?   Will she feel threatened by another baby girl?  I have a sister who is almost the same age difference younger than I am, as this little girl will be to Luci.  I have to admit that I wasn't a good and loving big sister most of our adolescent years.  I regret that so much. I was selfish and into my own life and never really wanted my sister around me and my friends.   We didn't spend a lot of time bonding in each other's rooms at night, talking about our hopes and dreams, fears and boys.  I'm not sure what made me treat her the way I did, but it was just plain hurtful and wrong.  Today we're still not close although there is no ongoing conflict between us.  I've apologized to her and I believe she forgives me.  We love one another but we are just not what I would call close.  We communicate through our parents most of the time, long distance.  We're happy when we get to see one another...but that is maybe 3-4 times a year.   She loves my kids dearly and they love Aunt "Yesy".   But when I think about my girls, I want more for them.  I want them to have that closeness and bond growing up.  I want them to be friends and to support one another and to know that they always have each other's back.  


Will Chance feel left out of the sisterhood?  Will Jeremy and I be able to provide him with all the boy fun he needs to grow and mature in a house with two sisters?  Early on I think I pictured this baby being a boy as much for Chance as for myself.   I had visions of two little boys playing basketball in the driveway outside while Luci and I tinkered around in the kitchen making cookies or crafting something fun.    With the genders reversed,  how will I bond with Chance doing "boy stuff" when the girls are playing barbies or dress up?  How can I simultaneously nurture all of my kids in the ways they need to be nurtured?

At one time I believed I could possibly have three more babies after Chance and Luci.  We had three frozen embryos total and I wanted all three of them to join our family.  I believed I would have the opportunity to raise another son AND another daughter.  Statistically speaking if we did in fact have three more kids, odds are that they would be mixed genders.  After losing our first two frozen embryos in April I knew that if God blessed us with another baby, it would be our last baby.   And as science would have it...would be either a boy OR a girl.   Either way, half of the clothes I have been holding onto would never be worn again by a baby in our family.   It's like I'm grieving that there is not going to be another little baby boy in our house wearing Chance's clothes some day.  As if that little baby boy would have helped me get back some of Chance's "babyhood" that I miss so much on some days when I realize he is growing up so fast.   If the genders were reversed I have no doubt I would feel the same way as I looked at all Luci's little clothes and decided what to part with.   But we WILL have a tiny little baby girl to fill Luci's clothes.  I will get to "relive" a part of Luci's baby stages at the same time I'm celebrating and drinking in and getting to know my youngest daughter.   But never again with a baby boy.  It just makes me sad.   I love this baby girl to pieces but there is a part of me that is just sad that there will  be no more children after her.  No more boys...or girls.  Our family is complete.  It's bittersweet...I've said that before. 

Tuesday afternoon after our ultrasound, the kids were asleep and I was just thinking...and thinking...and thinking...about all these things.  I went to my knees in my kitchen.  I cried and I prayed.   In my skin, I can't make my daughters feel like princesses, can't make them love God or one another, can't control whether they are friends.   In my skin, I can't simultaneously love and nurture three kids; a boy and two girls in the individual ways they need to be nurtured.   In my skin, I will never be whole and complete or have enough kids to fill up my house.  In my skin, I can do nothing...but worry that I won't be "good enough" for them.  And then fear and worry some more.  I know that fear is not of God.  I know that this is Satan just begging for me to let him have a foothold; trying to steal my joy.  So I sat at the Lord's feet and gave all that to Him right then and there.   All my insecurities and fears.  He has entrusted us with these three little lives.  He has a plan for their lives.   I thanked Him.  I asked Him for the love and wisdom and strength and courage and patience and grace to always love my babies as He loves them.  I asked Him to help Jeremy and I raise kids that would honor and love God and one another.  I asked Him to give me nothing but peace and joy about His ultimate design of our family...and He has.