The day we found out we were having another girl, I mentioned I had a lot of emotions that I wanted to write about. I preface everything I'm about to write by saying that first and foremost I want THIS baby. I want THIS baby to be healthy. I wouldn't change a thing about THIS baby because it's the same baby God gave us over 2 1/2 years ago when He also gave us Chance and Luci. THIS is the same baby we have prayed for and loved and dreamed of raising for the last 2 1/2 years...we simply just didn't know if she was a boy or a girl yet. While the fact that she's a girl hasn't changed how much we love THIS baby, knowing the gender has caused some unexpected thoughts and feelings that I thought I would share. I'm praying that I don't come off as ungrateful, because my heart is full and I'm not the least bit unaware of what a blessing she is. Making the unknown known just brings more clarity and, if I'm honest, a few fears as I contemplate how our family will be changing and whether or not I can I live up to this task God has entrusted me with...raising another precious daughter.
For some reason I kept saying she was a he. Maybe because somewhere in my heart a part of me wanted a boy. For the same reason, Jeremy kept saying she was a she. Every expectant parent always says they want a healthy baby and the gender doesn't matter, but I believe that in some part of every mom or dad, whether they admit it or not, everyone has a slight preference. Maybe the preference is derived from the genders of the other children already in the family, from dreams the parents have about what their child will become or accomplish or the kind of relationship the parent hopes to have with the child. I don't know. What I do know is that this preference in the beginning of a pregnancy doesn't diminish how much they absolutely love the child they end up having if it is the opposite gender than they "thought" they wanted. And in the end, they could never imagine their family any other way than the way it is and wouldn't want it any other way. All of this to say that now that I know she's a girl it's simply just taken some time getting used to the whole idea that she is, in fact, a she.
This pregnancy is so real now. I had been feeling like I hadn't really bonded with the baby very much. There just isn't time to sit around and think about the baby with 2 toddlers running around. That coupled with the fact that after going through infertility and having the miscarriage in April I think I was just guarding my heart a bit. It was a little difficult to put all my hope in the idea that we would be bringing another baby home. Then the kicks all started to come and shortly thereafter we found out she's a girl and now she is just REAL. This is really happening. We are having another baby. A baby girl. I feel her, I've seen her...I love her. I am filled with joy but yet I also have fears.
My first fear comes from simply questioning my own ability to love and protect and care for a third child...a second daughter. I believe strongly that daughters should feel like princesses...God's princesses first and then their daddy's. Self esteem for a girl needs to be built at home, teaching our girls how valuable they are to us and in God's eyes and to their future husbands. This is the only way I feel like they are able to be strong and have the strength to get out of high school and college "unscathed". How can Jeremy and I make two daughters feel special and "princess like" at the same time?
Will our daughters be good friends? Will they be competitive? Will Luci be a loving big sister? Will she feel threatened by another baby girl? I have a sister who is almost the same age difference younger than I am, as this little girl will be to Luci. I have to admit that I wasn't a good and loving big sister most of our adolescent years. I regret that so much. I was selfish and into my own life and never really wanted my sister around me and my friends. We didn't spend a lot of time bonding in each other's rooms at night, talking about our hopes and dreams, fears and boys. I'm not sure what made me treat her the way I did, but it was just plain hurtful and wrong. Today we're still not close although there is no ongoing conflict between us. I've apologized to her and I believe she forgives me. We love one another but we are just not what I would call close. We communicate through our parents most of the time, long distance. We're happy when we get to see one another...but that is maybe 3-4 times a year. She loves my kids dearly and they love Aunt "Yesy". But when I think about my girls, I want more for them. I want them to have that closeness and bond growing up. I want them to be friends and to support one another and to know that they always have each other's back.
Will Chance feel left out of the sisterhood? Will Jeremy and I be able to provide him with all the boy fun he needs to grow and mature in a house with two sisters? Early on I think I pictured this baby being a boy as much for Chance as for myself. I had visions of two little boys playing basketball in the driveway outside while Luci and I tinkered around in the kitchen making cookies or crafting something fun. With the genders reversed, how will I bond with Chance doing "boy stuff" when the girls are playing barbies or dress up? How can I simultaneously nurture all of my kids in the ways they need to be nurtured?
At one time I believed I could possibly have three more babies after Chance and Luci. We had three frozen embryos total and I wanted all three of them to join our family. I believed I would have the opportunity to raise another son AND another daughter. Statistically speaking if we did in fact have three more kids, odds are that they would be mixed genders. After losing our first two frozen embryos in April I knew that if God blessed us with another baby, it would be our last baby. And as science would have it...would be either a boy OR a girl. Either way, half of the clothes I have been holding onto would never be worn again by a baby in our family. It's like I'm grieving that there is not going to be another little baby boy in our house wearing Chance's clothes some day. As if that little baby boy would have helped me get back some of Chance's "babyhood" that I miss so much on some days when I realize he is growing up so fast. If the genders were reversed I have no doubt I would feel the same way as I looked at all Luci's little clothes and decided what to part with. But we WILL have a tiny little baby girl to fill Luci's clothes. I will get to "relive" a part of Luci's baby stages at the same time I'm celebrating and drinking in and getting to know my youngest daughter. But never again with a baby boy. It just makes me sad. I love this baby girl to pieces but there is a part of me that is just sad that there will be no more children after her. No more boys...or girls. Our family is complete. It's bittersweet...I've said that before.
Tuesday afternoon after our ultrasound, the kids were asleep and I was just thinking...and thinking...and thinking...about all these things. I went to my knees in my kitchen. I cried and I prayed. In my skin, I can't make my daughters feel like princesses, can't make them love God or one another, can't control whether they are friends. In my skin, I can't simultaneously love and nurture three kids; a boy and two girls in the individual ways they need to be nurtured. In my skin, I will never be whole and complete or have enough kids to fill up my house. In my skin, I can do nothing...but worry that I won't be "good enough" for them. And then fear and worry some more. I know that fear is not of God. I know that this is Satan just begging for me to let him have a foothold; trying to steal my joy. So I sat at the Lord's feet and gave all that to Him right then and there. All my insecurities and fears. He has entrusted us with these three little lives. He has a plan for their lives. I thanked Him. I asked Him for the love and wisdom and strength and courage and patience and grace to always love my babies as He loves them. I asked Him to help Jeremy and I raise kids that would honor and love God and one another. I asked Him to give me nothing but peace and joy about His ultimate design of our family...and He has.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
What's in a Name?
The first question everyone asks right after they ask if you're having a boy or a girl is "Do you have any names picked out yet?" Some people don't want to reveal their baby's name before the birth. Maybe it's just so that something about the pregnancy can be a surprise since more people know than not the gender of their babies these days. Some moms just like having that special little secret that they share only with the baby's daddy...that somehow only the parents should be talking to their baby and calling them by name before they are born. And some parents, I think, are just suspicious that some other mom or dad will "take" their baby's name before their baby is born. I've heard stories of this happening. Friendships ruined, etc. all because one family had their baby first and proceeded to take a name that some other family felt a special ownership too.
It took us awhile to name Chance and Luci. We were fairly certain what their names were going to be but didn't decide 100% until I went on bedrest and things were getting a little scary. For the longest time we called them Bob and Sally. Even before we knew they were a boy and a girl. (Jeremy says he always "knew" they were going to be a boy and a girl but that is another story for another post...) Anyway...when things got rocky we felt a strong sense of urgency to name them. We wanted everyone we knew to not just be praying for our babies, but to be praying for them by name...for our Chance and Luci.
Luci Bella means "beautiful bringer of light".
Luci was one of my favorites for a girl from the start. We love the movie 50 First Dates and that is Drew Barrymore's character in the movie. Jeremy picked Bella because we had been to Italy while we were pregnant and thought it would be a nice reminder of our awesome trip...so we spelled Luci with an "i" to be a bit different and so that it was more fluid with Bella. There is no familial significance to this name we just simply liked it and from the minute she was born this name just fit our first daughter. It's hard to put into words how beautiful Luci is and how much light she has brough into our lives.
Chance Michael means "Keeper of records; who is like God".
Jeremy mentioned a long time ago that he liked the name Chance for a boy. Not sure where he got it from originally but his mom's maiden name is Chancellor so there was a family connection to the name that I really liked. I actually thought at one time Chancellor would be his first name and we would just call him Chance but Jeremy held out for the shortened version as he did not want him to be confused with nicknames etc. (Little did daddy know we would end up with "Bubba", which he really, really does not like but I have always called Chance "Bubba" and always will. Luci also calls Chance Bubba and actually Jeremy does too when he doesn't know I'm listening :) He can't help it...it just fits.) Michael is my dad's name and I think it is just so beautiful and biblical and I wanted to give Chance my dad's name to honor him and my dad never had a son to give his own name to. "Keeper of records" is what the baby name books say Chance means. This comes from the Chancellor derivative which was a person who was a secretary to british nobleman or kings. This doesn't really sing to my heart and when I think of what Chance means to me, I prefer the more literal definition of the word Chance...."the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation." There was a time when I didn't know if I would ever hold a child of my own in my arms. Chance was our first born child (by one minute granted...but still). He was our chance from God to become parents.
For the sake of my posts, and hoping that it will grow on daddy, I am calling our baby girl Scarlett...as that is my front runner for names at this point. Scarlett Mae. Scarlett simply means "Red". Hmmm...not very profound and not sure if I can name her that if she ends up having red hair like her sister and daddy. But I just like it. Mae is Nana Loretta's and my grandma and my step grandma's middle name. My other choices are Stella ("star") and Delaney (long form of Della, my grandmas' name...means "descendant of the challenger"). Jeremy also does not like any of these names. So he is on point now for bringing some of his favorites to the table.
I don't mind sharing her name...I'll be even happier when we decide for sure what it is so that everyone I know can join me in celebrating her little life...calling her by her name...praying for her by name. I want her to be known in every capacity for who she is...not just as the baby or baby girl. She deserves that. She's been waiting a long time to meet us, as have we her. Afterall, she was asleep in a freezer for two years.
I'll keep you posted on what we decide. If you get the opportunity I wouldn't mind a few plugs for Scarlett in Jeremy's ear. Thanks!
It took us awhile to name Chance and Luci. We were fairly certain what their names were going to be but didn't decide 100% until I went on bedrest and things were getting a little scary. For the longest time we called them Bob and Sally. Even before we knew they were a boy and a girl. (Jeremy says he always "knew" they were going to be a boy and a girl but that is another story for another post...) Anyway...when things got rocky we felt a strong sense of urgency to name them. We wanted everyone we knew to not just be praying for our babies, but to be praying for them by name...for our Chance and Luci.
Luci Bella means "beautiful bringer of light".
Luci was one of my favorites for a girl from the start. We love the movie 50 First Dates and that is Drew Barrymore's character in the movie. Jeremy picked Bella because we had been to Italy while we were pregnant and thought it would be a nice reminder of our awesome trip...so we spelled Luci with an "i" to be a bit different and so that it was more fluid with Bella. There is no familial significance to this name we just simply liked it and from the minute she was born this name just fit our first daughter. It's hard to put into words how beautiful Luci is and how much light she has brough into our lives.
Chance Michael means "Keeper of records; who is like God".
Jeremy mentioned a long time ago that he liked the name Chance for a boy. Not sure where he got it from originally but his mom's maiden name is Chancellor so there was a family connection to the name that I really liked. I actually thought at one time Chancellor would be his first name and we would just call him Chance but Jeremy held out for the shortened version as he did not want him to be confused with nicknames etc. (Little did daddy know we would end up with "Bubba", which he really, really does not like but I have always called Chance "Bubba" and always will. Luci also calls Chance Bubba and actually Jeremy does too when he doesn't know I'm listening :) He can't help it...it just fits.) Michael is my dad's name and I think it is just so beautiful and biblical and I wanted to give Chance my dad's name to honor him and my dad never had a son to give his own name to. "Keeper of records" is what the baby name books say Chance means. This comes from the Chancellor derivative which was a person who was a secretary to british nobleman or kings. This doesn't really sing to my heart and when I think of what Chance means to me, I prefer the more literal definition of the word Chance...."the possibility of a particular outcome in an uncertain situation." There was a time when I didn't know if I would ever hold a child of my own in my arms. Chance was our first born child (by one minute granted...but still). He was our chance from God to become parents.
For the sake of my posts, and hoping that it will grow on daddy, I am calling our baby girl Scarlett...as that is my front runner for names at this point. Scarlett Mae. Scarlett simply means "Red". Hmmm...not very profound and not sure if I can name her that if she ends up having red hair like her sister and daddy. But I just like it. Mae is Nana Loretta's and my grandma and my step grandma's middle name. My other choices are Stella ("star") and Delaney (long form of Della, my grandmas' name...means "descendant of the challenger"). Jeremy also does not like any of these names. So he is on point now for bringing some of his favorites to the table.
I don't mind sharing her name...I'll be even happier when we decide for sure what it is so that everyone I know can join me in celebrating her little life...calling her by her name...praying for her by name. I want her to be known in every capacity for who she is...not just as the baby or baby girl. She deserves that. She's been waiting a long time to meet us, as have we her. Afterall, she was asleep in a freezer for two years.
I'll keep you posted on what we decide. If you get the opportunity I wouldn't mind a few plugs for Scarlett in Jeremy's ear. Thanks!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Well Hello, Baby Girl!
It's official! We are having another daughter. Daddy predicted and he was right. She is healthy and perfect at 20 weeks. Lots of emotions going on right now that I want to write about but for now...meet our little girl. We are so blessed.
Such a perfect little profile. She has my nose, I can tell. All of my kids do. And nothing cuter than seeing her little tiny feet.
Love you baby girl. Can't wait to meet you in 4 months!
Sorry for showing your girlie bits sweetie...you'll understand some day! :)
Such a perfect little profile. She has my nose, I can tell. All of my kids do. And nothing cuter than seeing her little tiny feet.Love you baby girl. Can't wait to meet you in 4 months!
Sorry for showing your girlie bits sweetie...you'll understand some day! :)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Kicks...
I've been sitting here reflecting how this pregnacy so far has been much different than with the twins. All in good ways. I'm twenty weeks today. One week from this point is when I went on bedrest with the twins. Hard to believe. I feel so fortunate that I don't seem to be having any complications. I feel good. Occasionally if I'm having a busy day with the kids I will feel some tightness and pressure across my lower belly which reminds of how I felt most of the pregnancy with the twins but I really don't think it's anything to worry about at this point. So physically speaking things are good!
The baby was kicking like crazy last night and Jeremy got to feel "him" for the first time. I still feel like the baby is going to be a boy. Jeremy still says girl. We'll see. The more interesting thought is what color hair will he/she have? I keep picturing a red-headed little boy but only time will tell. We have our big ultrasound this Tuesday so I will be sure to post the results. Boy or Girl? Can't wait to find out and be able to name this little one.
This pregnancy has also been very different because I have just been so busy with the kids that I have had little time to really think about or sit around and reflect that we are actually having another baby. With the twins I think I was on every website, I was totally in tune with what vegetable or fruit the baby resembled size wise each week...what the baby was growing in utero...when the
baby started to pee, grow nails etc. Not so much this time. Although, for the record, I did just recently read that at 20 weeks the baby is the size of a banana. Here is my belly pic from today...
I'm happy that I'm finally feeling little baby kicks (have been for a couple of weeks) because it's just nice to have the little reminders through the day when things are crazy... There is Life Inside of ME! It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is already halfway over. From where I delivered the kids it's 2/3 over! At this point I am having faith and praying for an April baby. Anytime in April and I will feel good and will be so much further along than I was with the kids. My due date is April 30th. If I chose to do another c-sec (which I am leaning towards) I can schedule it at 39 weeks...April 23. I brought Chance and Luci home from the hospital at 36 weeks. Still amazing to me.
I did go ahead and schedule a consultation with Dr. Grant, my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist that I saw weekly with the twins. I love Dr. Jones and I totally trust him but I felt like I just needed to meet with Dr. Grant at least once to find out exactly what my risk factors for premature birth might be for this pregnancy. That appointment is Dec. 30th.
I'm so excited and grateful about so many things. Being able to experience one infant...for one thing...and hopefully a relatively full term one. I keep telling myself that this is going to be a piece of cake compared to bringing home two premies. Although I will have 2 two-year olds running around so I know that will add some craziness to the mix. But all the things that were so difficult with twins; esspecially nursing through the middle of the night...should be so much easier...(please God).
But for now, I'm just relishing where we are, both with our "big kids" and our "little one". Christmas tree is up...house is cozy and warm with my hubby here while it's snowing and blustery cold outside...two little ones sleeping peacefully in their beds...and little baby kicks...Life is good.
The baby was kicking like crazy last night and Jeremy got to feel "him" for the first time. I still feel like the baby is going to be a boy. Jeremy still says girl. We'll see. The more interesting thought is what color hair will he/she have? I keep picturing a red-headed little boy but only time will tell. We have our big ultrasound this Tuesday so I will be sure to post the results. Boy or Girl? Can't wait to find out and be able to name this little one.
This pregnancy has also been very different because I have just been so busy with the kids that I have had little time to really think about or sit around and reflect that we are actually having another baby. With the twins I think I was on every website, I was totally in tune with what vegetable or fruit the baby resembled size wise each week...what the baby was growing in utero...when the
baby started to pee, grow nails etc. Not so much this time. Although, for the record, I did just recently read that at 20 weeks the baby is the size of a banana. Here is my belly pic from today...I'm happy that I'm finally feeling little baby kicks (have been for a couple of weeks) because it's just nice to have the little reminders through the day when things are crazy... There is Life Inside of ME! It's hard to believe that this pregnancy is already halfway over. From where I delivered the kids it's 2/3 over! At this point I am having faith and praying for an April baby. Anytime in April and I will feel good and will be so much further along than I was with the kids. My due date is April 30th. If I chose to do another c-sec (which I am leaning towards) I can schedule it at 39 weeks...April 23. I brought Chance and Luci home from the hospital at 36 weeks. Still amazing to me.
I did go ahead and schedule a consultation with Dr. Grant, my Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist that I saw weekly with the twins. I love Dr. Jones and I totally trust him but I felt like I just needed to meet with Dr. Grant at least once to find out exactly what my risk factors for premature birth might be for this pregnancy. That appointment is Dec. 30th.
I'm so excited and grateful about so many things. Being able to experience one infant...for one thing...and hopefully a relatively full term one. I keep telling myself that this is going to be a piece of cake compared to bringing home two premies. Although I will have 2 two-year olds running around so I know that will add some craziness to the mix. But all the things that were so difficult with twins; esspecially nursing through the middle of the night...should be so much easier...(please God).
But for now, I'm just relishing where we are, both with our "big kids" and our "little one". Christmas tree is up...house is cozy and warm with my hubby here while it's snowing and blustery cold outside...two little ones sleeping peacefully in their beds...and little baby kicks...Life is good.
Friday, December 10, 2010
An Unexpected Gift
Tuesday Nov 16th we started potty training. Full force Potty Training Bootcamp. Oh my. We didn't start until about 4:00 after the kids got up from their naps. Diapers Off, check. Undies On, check. Frog Potties in position, check. M&M jar stocked, check. All of the provisions were in place. As of about 7:30 Tuesday night when it was time to put the kids to bed, Chance had gone through 9 pairs of his big boy undies...9 accidents on the floor...but he had successfully peed on the potty three times. Luci, fewer accidents but still some...and two potty successess. I loaded up all the dirty clothes and started a load of laundry since I knew Chance only had four pairs of clean undies left. Whew...tomorrow would be a long day.
After a rocky start, undies on...mom decided to go the commando approach. Cleaning poop off the floor was actually more appealing that cleaning out poopy underwear. So, commando it was. More pee accidents insued...but some more successes. It seemed like we spent almost the entire morning in the bathroom. Training two kids at once proves difficult because inevitably, one kid just wants to distract the other kid from being able to concentrate and get down to business...thus, no one pees. The kids were becoming visably stressed and so was mom...we had lunch and they took a much needed nap.
After nap, the lightbulbs finally went off. I couldn't believe it...not long after they got up both kids self initated and peed on the potty all by themself. For the rest of the night, there was not another single accident and much Singing, Dancing and M&M eating by all!
So we are now into week four and I will say that all is still going well. The kids are still wearing pull-ups for naps and bedtime, but around the house we are in undies all day. They are both peeing and pooping on the potty. We survived our first road trip to Nana and Papa's house with no accidents. It's especially nice to have a van during these trips as we just put Froggy in there with us and we can just stop and let the kids use it and not have to drag them into a dirty bathroom on the road.
We've taken small little trips to Hyvee, the library and playing at friends houses and walks around the neighborhood with hardly any accidents. I do take Froggy in the van with us and the kids are able to pee before we get out and go inside somewhere which helps a lot.
All in all, I'd say that this whole experience has been less stressful than I expected. We did have some little glitches with Luci going #2 due to some constipation after traveling but I think she might finally be back on track now.
I was thinking back to the first few days we were training. I had completely cleared my schedule and had no expectations about getting anything at all done around the house for those few days. As a result, my kids had my undivided attention. We played, we ran back and forth to the bathroom lots of times, we danced, we snuggled. I wasn't worried about the dishes in the sink, the laundry, the toys all over the house. I got to see my kids in a whole new light; trying and succeeding at doing something new, a huge new milestone for them. What a blessing. I just fell in love with them all over again seeing how proud they were of themselves. That's the true beauty about how God has designed our lives and the act of raising children. Just when you think you can't take another day of the particular stage you're in...you're out of that stage and on to the next one. New challenges await but also so many more fun times and new blessings. Thank you God for the unexpected gift of Potty Training.
After a rocky start, undies on...mom decided to go the commando approach. Cleaning poop off the floor was actually more appealing that cleaning out poopy underwear. So, commando it was. More pee accidents insued...but some more successes. It seemed like we spent almost the entire morning in the bathroom. Training two kids at once proves difficult because inevitably, one kid just wants to distract the other kid from being able to concentrate and get down to business...thus, no one pees. The kids were becoming visably stressed and so was mom...we had lunch and they took a much needed nap.
After nap, the lightbulbs finally went off. I couldn't believe it...not long after they got up both kids self initated and peed on the potty all by themself. For the rest of the night, there was not another single accident and much Singing, Dancing and M&M eating by all!
So we are now into week four and I will say that all is still going well. The kids are still wearing pull-ups for naps and bedtime, but around the house we are in undies all day. They are both peeing and pooping on the potty. We survived our first road trip to Nana and Papa's house with no accidents. It's especially nice to have a van during these trips as we just put Froggy in there with us and we can just stop and let the kids use it and not have to drag them into a dirty bathroom on the road.
We've taken small little trips to Hyvee, the library and playing at friends houses and walks around the neighborhood with hardly any accidents. I do take Froggy in the van with us and the kids are able to pee before we get out and go inside somewhere which helps a lot.
All in all, I'd say that this whole experience has been less stressful than I expected. We did have some little glitches with Luci going #2 due to some constipation after traveling but I think she might finally be back on track now.
I was thinking back to the first few days we were training. I had completely cleared my schedule and had no expectations about getting anything at all done around the house for those few days. As a result, my kids had my undivided attention. We played, we ran back and forth to the bathroom lots of times, we danced, we snuggled. I wasn't worried about the dishes in the sink, the laundry, the toys all over the house. I got to see my kids in a whole new light; trying and succeeding at doing something new, a huge new milestone for them. What a blessing. I just fell in love with them all over again seeing how proud they were of themselves. That's the true beauty about how God has designed our lives and the act of raising children. Just when you think you can't take another day of the particular stage you're in...you're out of that stage and on to the next one. New challenges await but also so many more fun times and new blessings. Thank you God for the unexpected gift of Potty Training.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to my sweet little pumpkins. God knew how much I loved Fall and that having babies in the fall would make it that much more fun! I LOVE IT.
Chance and Luci are 2 today! It's hard to believe. I see my kids everyday so I don't always recognize the gradual growth and changes until one day I wake up and look at them in a new light and wow...look how big they are! Where does the time go? We recently got our family pictures taken for their birthday and when I saw the proofs yesterday I just cried when I saw how old they look. And how stinkin' cute they really are. And I'm not just saying that because they're mine. These kids are cute.
I know all mom's feel this way. Sometimes I look back and think, "Did I really survive that?" Their conception, gestation, bedrest, premature delivery and bringing home two tiny little miracles. Not having a clue what I was doing. Other times I look back and think, "That wasn't so bad. I could totally do it all again!" And I would do it all over again a million times.
I remember times they wouldn't sleep and I'd be holding one of them for extended periods of time...being so tired and wanting to lay them back down in bed...and then looking down and thinking..."Some day, I would pay a lot of money to be able to do this again." To be able to relive some of the baby days. Someday when they are too big to hold, when they don't want to be held. Already I can see tiny glimpses of that day coming...but am thankful that they still like to snuggle most of the time. I even did get to rock Chance to sleep at nap time the other day because he was just having a hard time getting to sleep. It was so nice to be able to do that. I don't want to go back. So far, thankfully, every stage they've been at has been my favorite...but I still miss those tiny little baby feet.
As we celebrate their birthday today I wanted to just take some time to reflect on all the new and fun things they are doing these days.
Luci talks pretty regularly in sentences...
"Daddy working hard."
"Mommy coming too?"
"Bubba mean to..." (i.e. bubba's being mean to me.)
"Bubba took the keys away."
"I love you mommy."
"I miss daddy."
"Swing High!" (she loves to swing high and often wakes from her naps asking "Swing High?" meaning are we going to the park today?)
"More please momma"
"Mommy's name is Kelly"
"Daddy's name is Jeremy"
"Bubba's name is Chance"
"Be right back!"
"I said NO!"
I could go on and on but these are just a few. It seems like everyday she surprises me with more and more.
Here are some of Chance's new tricks. (More often than not, Luci is also involved)
Climbing up the outside of the crib. Haven't been able to get actually in or out of it yet. (thank goodness)
Taking off pajamas and/or diapers
Using ride on toys to push around the room and then climb on as "step stools" to pull down all the Halloween Candy off the dining room table, or push all the buttons on the stereo and grab the remote controls.
Shooting baskets in his new basketball goal
Going down the slide backwards.
Crawling under his bed and hiding...saying "Be right back..."
Taking laps around the backyard and cutting grass.
Jumping higher and higher. Almost can get both feet off the ground at once.
Jumping off the arm of the couch and ottoman into piles of pillows and blankets.
Becoming a better dancer.
Loves being in the middle of lots of action, watching other kids play etc.
Runs to me giggling when I count 1,2,3 and gives me huge hugs.
Will hug and kiss his sister, mommy and daddy.
Likes to flush the toilet.
There are so many other things that happen day to day that I never want to forget and swear I will remember forever but am not the most disciplined about writing things down. But today, I'm capturing these moments and holding on. I love the way the kids fit into my arms right now at the size and age they're at. I love their little smells. I love their snuggles and kisses and hugs. I love their little voices and hearing more and more of them everyday. I love their giggles and the way they are starting to really play together and chase each other around the house.
My little 2 lb 13 oz redheaded daughter and my little 3 lb 8 oz brown haired baby boy...
Not so tiny anymore, but still and will always be my babies.
I love you Chance and Luci.
Happy Birthday.
Chance and Luci are 2 today! It's hard to believe. I see my kids everyday so I don't always recognize the gradual growth and changes until one day I wake up and look at them in a new light and wow...look how big they are! Where does the time go? We recently got our family pictures taken for their birthday and when I saw the proofs yesterday I just cried when I saw how old they look. And how stinkin' cute they really are. And I'm not just saying that because they're mine. These kids are cute.
I know all mom's feel this way. Sometimes I look back and think, "Did I really survive that?" Their conception, gestation, bedrest, premature delivery and bringing home two tiny little miracles. Not having a clue what I was doing. Other times I look back and think, "That wasn't so bad. I could totally do it all again!" And I would do it all over again a million times.
I remember times they wouldn't sleep and I'd be holding one of them for extended periods of time...being so tired and wanting to lay them back down in bed...and then looking down and thinking..."Some day, I would pay a lot of money to be able to do this again." To be able to relive some of the baby days. Someday when they are too big to hold, when they don't want to be held. Already I can see tiny glimpses of that day coming...but am thankful that they still like to snuggle most of the time. I even did get to rock Chance to sleep at nap time the other day because he was just having a hard time getting to sleep. It was so nice to be able to do that. I don't want to go back. So far, thankfully, every stage they've been at has been my favorite...but I still miss those tiny little baby feet.
As we celebrate their birthday today I wanted to just take some time to reflect on all the new and fun things they are doing these days.
Luci talks pretty regularly in sentences...
"Daddy working hard."
"Mommy coming too?"
"Bubba mean to..." (i.e. bubba's being mean to me.)
"Bubba took the keys away."
"I love you mommy."
"I miss daddy."
"Swing High!" (she loves to swing high and often wakes from her naps asking "Swing High?" meaning are we going to the park today?)
"More please momma"
"Mommy's name is Kelly"
"Daddy's name is Jeremy"
"Bubba's name is Chance"
"Be right back!"
"I said NO!"
I could go on and on but these are just a few. It seems like everyday she surprises me with more and more.
Here are some of Chance's new tricks. (More often than not, Luci is also involved)
Climbing up the outside of the crib. Haven't been able to get actually in or out of it yet. (thank goodness)
Taking off pajamas and/or diapers
Using ride on toys to push around the room and then climb on as "step stools" to pull down all the Halloween Candy off the dining room table, or push all the buttons on the stereo and grab the remote controls.
Shooting baskets in his new basketball goal
Going down the slide backwards.
Crawling under his bed and hiding...saying "Be right back..."
Taking laps around the backyard and cutting grass.
Jumping higher and higher. Almost can get both feet off the ground at once.
Jumping off the arm of the couch and ottoman into piles of pillows and blankets.
Becoming a better dancer.
Loves being in the middle of lots of action, watching other kids play etc.
Runs to me giggling when I count 1,2,3 and gives me huge hugs.
Will hug and kiss his sister, mommy and daddy.
Likes to flush the toilet.
There are so many other things that happen day to day that I never want to forget and swear I will remember forever but am not the most disciplined about writing things down. But today, I'm capturing these moments and holding on. I love the way the kids fit into my arms right now at the size and age they're at. I love their little smells. I love their snuggles and kisses and hugs. I love their little voices and hearing more and more of them everyday. I love their giggles and the way they are starting to really play together and chase each other around the house.
My little 2 lb 13 oz redheaded daughter and my little 3 lb 8 oz brown haired baby boy...
Not so tiny anymore, but still and will always be my babies.
I love you Chance and Luci.
Happy Birthday.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
10w4 Days
Today was my first Dr. Appointment with Dr. Jones, my regular OB. Dr. Jones is the one who took care of me while I was pregnant with Chance and Luci. (along with Dr. Grant) He's the one who discovered I was becoming pre-ecclamptic at 30 weeks and sent me straight to the hospital for labs. His forsight gave me enough time to get steroid shots and allowed them time to work their magic before the babies were born 3 days later. I am so grateful to him. I told him that at my appointment today and he humbly blushed the deepest shade of red you've ever seen. He's a great Dr. and a good man.
Needless to say he is very happy that I am only having one baby this time. I have to say...me too. I would have loved to have met those two babies we lost in the spring. It would have been so hard going through all that I went through with Chance & Luci again, but I would have done it willingly (and more) for my babies. But God did not give me that choice. God knew their lives were best served with him. God has given me the opportunity to experience one baby...and I am so excited about that. I know that I missed out on so much of the baby fun. I know I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. I regret that but am not sure how I could have done things differently. It was overwhelming at times and I was in survival mode much of the time. So I'm excited to have another chance to snuggle and cuddle a tiny little baby. (hopefully not AS tiny as my other two little ones).
I got to have another ultrasound today. Wasn't sure if I would or not. So at 10w4days "Baby C" is looking great. All signs that can be seen at this point looked great. We saw little hands, 10 fingers, 10 toes. It's just amazing. Laying there during the ultrasound...I officially fell in love
Needless to say he is very happy that I am only having one baby this time. I have to say...me too. I would have loved to have met those two babies we lost in the spring. It would have been so hard going through all that I went through with Chance & Luci again, but I would have done it willingly (and more) for my babies. But God did not give me that choice. God knew their lives were best served with him. God has given me the opportunity to experience one baby...and I am so excited about that. I know that I missed out on so much of the baby fun. I know I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. I regret that but am not sure how I could have done things differently. It was overwhelming at times and I was in survival mode much of the time. So I'm excited to have another chance to snuggle and cuddle a tiny little baby. (hopefully not AS tiny as my other two little ones).
I got to have another ultrasound today. Wasn't sure if I would or not. So at 10w4days "Baby C" is looking great. All signs that can be seen at this point looked great. We saw little hands, 10 fingers, 10 toes. It's just amazing. Laying there during the ultrasound...I officially fell in love
again. Here is our little "guy".
This pregnancy is going to be so much different than before. That's a good thing. Dr. Jones is optimistic that I won't have the same issues I had with the twins and if I do they will come much later in the pregnancy. He doesn't see a need to refer me to Dr. Grant, but did say that he will start to monitor me weekly at 28 weeks...which is about 2 months sooner than he normally would start weekly monitoring. They'll measure and check my cervix at my 20 week ultrasound to make sure all is well.
My next appointment will be at 14 1/2 weeks, November 3rd. I will not, however, see my baby again until December 14, at 20 weeks for the big morphology scan when we learn the gender. Yay! This is going to be hard. While I'm grateful to not have the potential complications, it is really going to take a lot of trust and faith to not fret over not seeing the baby more often. With the twins I saw them weekly starting at 16 weeks. I was spoiled.
So having said all that...I'm learning once again about patience on a daily basis. Patience as a wife, mother of almost 2-year olds...and mother of a baby on the way. Lord, thank you for your daily watch over our family.
My next appointment will be at 14 1/2 weeks, November 3rd. I will not, however, see my baby again until December 14, at 20 weeks for the big morphology scan when we learn the gender. Yay! This is going to be hard. While I'm grateful to not have the potential complications, it is really going to take a lot of trust and faith to not fret over not seeing the baby more often. With the twins I saw them weekly starting at 16 weeks. I was spoiled.
So having said all that...I'm learning once again about patience on a daily basis. Patience as a wife, mother of almost 2-year olds...and mother of a baby on the way. Lord, thank you for your daily watch over our family.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Bittersweet Goodbyes.
When we had our initial IVF cycle, we ended up with 5 embryos. Chance & Luci were the first two transferred back to me. For the last two years we have had three of those babies in Dr. Wilshire's freezer. Two of those babies are now in heaven and the final one is snuggling nicely with mommy again...9w5d old. This means that all of my babies are now right where they are supposed to be, either with me here on earth, or with the Lord in heaven. I have no more babies in Dr. Wilshire's freezer...and that makes me very happy. I knew going into this most recent transfer that regardless of the outcome, our family would be complete afterwards. That we would not be pursuing any additional fertility treatments.
Today I had my final appointment, ever, with Dr. Wilshire. I don't think I have properly expressed my feelings for this man and the huge gratitude I will always have for him. I ultimately give the credit to God for the family he has given us, but I will never be able to thank Dr. Wilshire enough for his role in bringing our family to life. He was an answer to prayer. So saying goodbye to him and his staff today was harder than I thought. I actually cried.
It's such a relief to NOT have to go back in that office again as a patient, even better, to be released on such a high note and carrying this precious miracle with me. Yet it is sad to think I will not be going in that office anymore. I'm sure we'll take the kids in to visit...but that is easier
said than done. I said I would bring the kids to the NICU also to visit all the people who cared for them and that I feel so indebted to but it still hasn't happened and they are almost two years old! Shame on me.
So today's appointment was bittersweet...but thankfully just a little bitter and the rest joyfully sweet. Our baby is doing just great! I'm 9w5d's today and baby measured exactly 9w5d's with his little heart just fluttering away. Got a great picture of him/her...here it is...Cute little nubby arms and all. LOVE it!
Today, I feel like I am actually going to have a baby! And I have just been smiling all day.
Thank you Lord.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Heartbeat.
A beating heart is a beautiful...miraculous...thing and today we saw our baby's.
What a gift!
Thank you God.
7w5d...and another picture. Happy Birthday Aunt Leslie.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Flicker...
Today was our first ultrasound of the baby. We were so happy to see a healthy looking gestational and yolk sac, along with the very, very faintest flicker of a heartbeat coming from the fetal pole. Still too early to tell for sure if that was the heartbeat but I believe it was. Wikipedia says you can see the fetal pole via vaginal ultrasound as early as 6 weeks and that it is possible to see the heartbeat at that time, although more commonly the heartbeat is not visable for another 5-7 days. We go back on Sept. 17th. I'll be 7 weeks 5 days at that time and should be able to see the heartbeat for sure. So another hurdle jumped and we wait for the next one.
I feel good. No symptoms yet although I would welcome them to give me reassurance that this is really happening. My heart is opening up more but still very guarded. It still doesn't seem to have totally sunk in yet that we are having another baby.
Let everything that has breath (or a flicker...:) praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6
I feel good. No symptoms yet although I would welcome them to give me reassurance that this is really happening. My heart is opening up more but still very guarded. It still doesn't seem to have totally sunk in yet that we are having another baby.
Here is our little "guy" at 5w6d. I'm saying BOY, Jeremy is saying GIRL...either way, we are surely blessed.
Let everything that has breath (or a flicker...:) praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6
Monday, August 23, 2010
Baby "C"
Our baby is doing great. My beta this morning was 254. That was a little more than double from Saturday which is right where we should be. I promised a picture...
Here he/she is on the day of our transfer at 5 days gestation. Looks just like his brother and sister did at this same age...:)
In twin world, there is Baby A and Baby B. Baby A is the baby that is the closest to the birth canal and most likely to be born first. With tripletts, there are babies A, B & C. Chance was our Baby A, Luci Baby B. I keep feeling like this baby is our Baby C. Even though it is going to have mommy all to itself and will have its own unique birthday...it still amazes me that he/she was conceived at the same time as Chance and Luci. Had we chosen to transfer him/her along with Chance and Luci, we could have had tripletts (Thank goodness we didn't, knowing the problems I had getting the twins here safe & sound). Throughout our pregnancy with Chance & Luci we called them Bob & Sally. We knew at 16 weeks we were having a boy and a girl and we just kept calling them that until we finalized their real names. So for now, I think I'll just call this baby, Baby C rather than having to say "him/her", "he/she" all the time.
First ultrasound will be Friday September 3rd. Can't wait.
Thank you Lord for your continued protection of this little one.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Hurdles.
Today was a great day with truly unexpected good news. Our first beta test was positive! I am now considered 4 weeks pregnant with our precious and final remaining little embryo baby. We are so happy, yet cautious. I honestly was not feeling hopeful this morning when I went in to have my blood drawn. I had some very, very light spotting yesterday morning, but any amount is enough to let the doubt creep in. I had been feeling pretty upbeat the night before, some cramping and other signs like I had with the kids, but then the spotting and I questioned whether or not this little one was still with us. Well, he/she is! (I still think it's going to be a boy)
I had my blood drawn at 8:00am. I had to take the kids in with me since Jeremy left early to work on the house. The plan was then to pick him up for lunch and call the office to get our results while we were together. We've always wanted it this way when we get the news. So I had about 3 hours of time to kill. The kids and I visited a dear friend who is in the hospital, awaiting the arrival of her baby girls this week. We ate breakfast at the hospital. I took Chance and Luci to the park and to the horse stables.
Finally it was time to pick up daddy! We called Dr. W's office at 11:00. Marnie said, "Kelly, are you sitting down?" She knew I had not been feeling great about the outcome when she took my blood. Then she said "Your test is positive, it's 125!" So Jeremy and I got to celebrate with a good old Chinese Buffet lunch with the kids. Kind of chaotic. But still fun.
125 is a very strong high number. Even higher than my numbers were with twins. It was only 96 with Chance and Luci. So we go back Monday morning for a repeat and should expect the number to be 250 or higher to indicate a healthy growing baby at this stage. One hurdle jumped....many, many more to go...but we are so, so happy to be able to celebrate this little life at this time. April 30th will be my due date.
In the lives of Chance and Luci, time is flying by. I am watching them grow day by day into little toddler people before my very eyes. Yet, time will creep for this pregnancy. At least until I can get to the place where we see a heartbeat and feel more confident that this baby will come home with us. Sept 4th should be our first ultrasound to see the gestational sac, then Sept 18th we should be able to see our baby's heart beating.
I was reminded today of a verse my sweet sister-in-law Heather sent to encourage me, in December 2006, after I had just finished another fertility cycle and taken yet another negative pregnancy test.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree does not bud...
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights. "
In September 2008, while pregnant with Chance and Luci and struggling on bed rest, my mother-in-law Loretta sent it to me but this time I was reminded that my fig tree was now actually in bloom..(smile, wink) and God would continue to see me through the pregnancy just as he had seen me through all those years of infertility.
Two totally different times in my life coming from two opposite ends of the pregnancy dip stick, yet still so interwoven into the story that is my life. The verse is still so meaningful and relevant to me today as I sit thinking about where we've been and anticipating the months ahead.
So we begin this journey with counting and numbers and more waiting. Our hurdles are high and are not spaced by inches and feet but weeks, months...days. We are trusting God to give us feet like deer, that we may jump these hurdles in leaps of joy.
I had my blood drawn at 8:00am. I had to take the kids in with me since Jeremy left early to work on the house. The plan was then to pick him up for lunch and call the office to get our results while we were together. We've always wanted it this way when we get the news. So I had about 3 hours of time to kill. The kids and I visited a dear friend who is in the hospital, awaiting the arrival of her baby girls this week. We ate breakfast at the hospital. I took Chance and Luci to the park and to the horse stables.
Finally it was time to pick up daddy! We called Dr. W's office at 11:00. Marnie said, "Kelly, are you sitting down?" She knew I had not been feeling great about the outcome when she took my blood. Then she said "Your test is positive, it's 125!" So Jeremy and I got to celebrate with a good old Chinese Buffet lunch with the kids. Kind of chaotic. But still fun.
125 is a very strong high number. Even higher than my numbers were with twins. It was only 96 with Chance and Luci. So we go back Monday morning for a repeat and should expect the number to be 250 or higher to indicate a healthy growing baby at this stage. One hurdle jumped....many, many more to go...but we are so, so happy to be able to celebrate this little life at this time. April 30th will be my due date.
In the lives of Chance and Luci, time is flying by. I am watching them grow day by day into little toddler people before my very eyes. Yet, time will creep for this pregnancy. At least until I can get to the place where we see a heartbeat and feel more confident that this baby will come home with us. Sept 4th should be our first ultrasound to see the gestational sac, then Sept 18th we should be able to see our baby's heart beating.
I was reminded today of a verse my sweet sister-in-law Heather sent to encourage me, in December 2006, after I had just finished another fertility cycle and taken yet another negative pregnancy test.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
"Though the fig tree does not bud...
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights. "
In September 2008, while pregnant with Chance and Luci and struggling on bed rest, my mother-in-law Loretta sent it to me but this time I was reminded that my fig tree was now actually in bloom..(smile, wink) and God would continue to see me through the pregnancy just as he had seen me through all those years of infertility.
Two totally different times in my life coming from two opposite ends of the pregnancy dip stick, yet still so interwoven into the story that is my life. The verse is still so meaningful and relevant to me today as I sit thinking about where we've been and anticipating the months ahead.
So we begin this journey with counting and numbers and more waiting. Our hurdles are high and are not spaced by inches and feet but weeks, months...days. We are trusting God to give us feet like deer, that we may jump these hurdles in leaps of joy.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Merging.
Merging: transitive verb to blend gradually in stages that blur distinction.
I had not intended for 4 months to go by without writing. Where have I been? What have I been up to? I like to call what I've been attempting is merging. Merging my life as woman, wife, homemaker, friend, daughter, sister, servant with my life as a mom.
While I feel like I've been a good mom up to this point, (exhibit A: 2 happy healthy kids), I haven't done a very good job of living life as a mom, in the midst of all my other roles.
Some of this is due to the fact that for 9 weeks leading up to my introduction to my kids, I was on strict bed rest. I could not leave the house, or my couch or bed for that matter, except to go to the doctor. When my kids were born, they spent 6 weeks in the Neonatal ICU. When they came home we spent almost 4 months under house arrest to keep them from getting sick during cold and flu season. I adapted to life in isolation. Doing what needed to be done for the survival of me and my babies. I got used to it. But looking back now, it was a very lonely time. As lonely as it was it was still hard to break myself out of my new comfort zone in the mode of isolation. It was more difficult than I thought to merge back into life.
By the time we went through our last transfer and brief pregnancy in March and April, I think I had started the merger process but still didn't have things really well figured out. After I lost the babies in April, God gave me the ability to see that everyday with my kids is truly precious. As if I didn't know that already but being able to look at it from their eyes and their opportunities to experience life and all the fun it has to offer. Maybe, I had been holding them back somewhat. Holding myself back from fully re-entering life.
So, since then...where have we been...where are we now...where are we going?
Jeremy and I recuperated from losing the babies in Cancun.
We've taken several trips to visit Grandparents.
Celebrated the Kentucky Derby.
Took the Kids Strawberry Picking.
Celebrated Granny's Retirement.
Took the kids Swimming.
Playing with our friends.
Experienced our First Kids Club (VBS)
Celebrated Nana's Birthday.
Had a mini-vacation in Anderson.
Luci is talking our heads off!
Chance is climbing on any and everything he can!
Walked with two friends through their IVF cycles.
Celebrated a pregnancy and mourned a failure.
Realized God is still leading me to ministry in infertility.
Planning GracefulWait Ministry
Discovered the fun of spray parks.
Luci discovered her love of Mommy's shoes, purses, jewelry and makeup
Chance likes to sweep, mow and vacuum...just like daddy
Walked with a friend through her FET success and then baby loss.
Planned a trip to take the kids to Disney.
Bought another house to FLIP.
Took the kids on their 1st bike ride in the Burley from our house to downtown on the Katy Trail
Meeting with friends for coffee and prayer.
Started taking on a few decorating jobs.
Visiting 3 pregnant twin mommies on hospital bed rest.
Re-discovered my love of scrapbooking.
Working on a service project for the NICU the kids stayed in.
Teaching bible stories to 1 and 2-year olds at church.
Jeremy successfully took on a huge project at work.
Taught the kids how to throw away their own trash.
Attempting to teach them not to play in said trash after throwing it away.
...
Went back for our last remaining frozen embie transfer yesterday on August 12. Will find out the results on August 21. Stay tuned.
Our embryologist, Jamie Sutton, told us this little guy (I think it's a boy) looked as good as he did the day she froze him which almost never happens. Looking back at our last two embryos, she didn't say all the positive things about them that she had to say about this one. Comparing pictures, as any mom does with her babies, I agree that this one looks perfect. Almost identical to Chance and Luci. Appropriate since it was actually frozen the same day as Chance and Luci. So that just confirms to me that those other two little babies were never meant to share their life with us here on earth. God just took them on up to love on himself. They were only Grade II's and not fully expanded by the time the transfer took place. This little guy is different. He just looked perfect and the transfer went perfectly. My hope is high. My trust is deep. I'll try to get a picture in here later. I'm on bed rest right now.
Granny & Papaw are playing and entertaining Chance and Luci. Jeremy is off closing on our FLIP house and starting work. Life is busy but good.
Yesterday I was reading my daily devotional and the verses for Aug 11 and 12th leading up to our transfer, wouldn't you know it...were these.
August 11th
James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
August 12th
Romans 8:24-25
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
For those of you who have read my previous posts, the significance of James 1:17 is explained. I could not believe this verse popped up yet again in this transfer. But yes, really I can. Many blessings and gifts have come since the loss of those babies in April and I know many more will come from this little life. That's how my God works. I pray we get to share life with this little guy and raise him. I have faith in the ending to my story that God has already written, whatever that ending may be.
The significance of Romans 8:24-25 is HUGE. This is one of the verses that spoke to me before I was even pregnant with Chance and Luci. It helped me to keep hope alive. To know that God had good things in store for me. That my job is to be patient and wait on him. Still is really. In 2007 I started facilitating a bible study called Hannah's Hope that dealt with infertility and miscarriage. I met many wonderful women and was able to walk with them on their journeys towards motherhood and gained support from them on mine. I had my first babies but I knew my waiting wasn't over. God still had more in store. I've kept this verse close ever since. I use it to encourage others who are on similar journeys. It still speaks to my soul. It's one of the theme verses for the new infertility ministry I am starting at The Crossing, my church. GracefulWait. So to have it in my devotional on the day of my transfer is no coincidence. My God still speaks to me.
Wednesday night, Jeremy and I had a chance for some quiet time after the kids went to bed. Just to talk and reflect. I found myself tearing up thinking that this transfer is it for us. Whatever the outcome, we will pursue no more fertility treatments after this. We believe this baby will come home with us, but even that still brings some sadness. When Dr's and treatments have been a part of your life for so long. When living in the What-ifs has become the norm, not knowing if or when your family will grow. To finally be able to say, "Our family is Complete" is bittersweet.
It is relief, yet sadness.
It is hope, yet fear.
It is moving forward, no longer stuck.
It is faith that no matter what the final picture of our family looks like, it will be perfect. God has already seen to it. I'm trusting God to fill up all the holes I think I have in my life with himself and blessings that I can't even begin to know are out there.
I'm letting go.
I want this baby.
I believe this baby is going to come home with us, but I'm ready to move forward and let God do with my life what HE wills.
I'm continually merging as God helps me focus on how to do life for His Glory with two, maybe three, kids.
It's been gradual.
It's been blurry.
And most days, it feels good.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I'm a Mommy.
Thank you sun washing over my face.
Thank you breeze dancing on my skin.
Did you know how I needed you this morning?
Thank you Lord for your mercy. After being on such high doses of hormones, stopping them cold turkey on Thursday triggered the beginning of the end. I'm thankful things are progressing faster than I anticipated and seem to be uncomplicated. I didn't want to have to sit around waiting and dreading and fearing how things might be. I'm still so sad that we have to say goodbye to these babies but I just want this to be over so we can move on.
Did I just write that? That this seems to be uncomplicated? Thankfully from a medical standpoint things seem to be uncomplicated. As for me personally, emotionally, it's been rough. This is unchartered territory for me. In the five years we tried to have Chance and Luci, I simply never got pregnant. I've never lost a baby before. What is the protocol for getting through this? How or will I even tell people?
"How was your Easter?"
"Great, got to watch the kids hunt easter eggs, and oh, yeah I had a miscarriage."
Obviously not a great way to start off someone's Monday. Especially when no one even knew we were pregnant. The brunt of things seem to have happened yesterday. I spotted a little on Friday and then seemed to be getting worse on Saturday. I was out and about. I wasn't sure if I should be or how bad things might get, but Jeremy competed in his first ever duathalon; running and biking...and I wanted to take the kids to cheer him on. He did great. A friend of mine brought more kids and we cheered the daddies on while they biked and ran past us. I was very proud.
Life went on.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a wife.
We took the kids to the playground and to lunch. We went down the slide. They fell in the mud. They spilled milk, banged spoons on the table, threw food on the floor. Someone else's kid threw up. They had melt downs.
It was chaos.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a mommy.
After we got home and put the kids down for their naps I lost our baby. And then I lost it.
I walked into the kitchen to tell Jeremy. He held me and I sobbed harder than I can remember ever sobbing. I fell to the floor and he held me and I sobbed. I didn't know I could sound like that...shake like that.
I drifted in and out of sleep on the couch while my kids played with their daddy. Every now and then Luci would come running up to the couch and startle me awake. She wanted her momma to play. I pulled her up on the couch with me and she was just so happy to be there. She needed me and I needed her.
I woke this morning and we went to church. I saw friends. I worshipped. No one knew I had a miscarriage.
Thank you breeze dancing on my skin.
Did you know how I needed you this morning?
Thank you Lord for your mercy. After being on such high doses of hormones, stopping them cold turkey on Thursday triggered the beginning of the end. I'm thankful things are progressing faster than I anticipated and seem to be uncomplicated. I didn't want to have to sit around waiting and dreading and fearing how things might be. I'm still so sad that we have to say goodbye to these babies but I just want this to be over so we can move on.
Did I just write that? That this seems to be uncomplicated? Thankfully from a medical standpoint things seem to be uncomplicated. As for me personally, emotionally, it's been rough. This is unchartered territory for me. In the five years we tried to have Chance and Luci, I simply never got pregnant. I've never lost a baby before. What is the protocol for getting through this? How or will I even tell people?
"How was your Easter?"
"Great, got to watch the kids hunt easter eggs, and oh, yeah I had a miscarriage."
Obviously not a great way to start off someone's Monday. Especially when no one even knew we were pregnant. The brunt of things seem to have happened yesterday. I spotted a little on Friday and then seemed to be getting worse on Saturday. I was out and about. I wasn't sure if I should be or how bad things might get, but Jeremy competed in his first ever duathalon; running and biking...and I wanted to take the kids to cheer him on. He did great. A friend of mine brought more kids and we cheered the daddies on while they biked and ran past us. I was very proud.
Life went on.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a wife.
We took the kids to the playground and to lunch. We went down the slide. They fell in the mud. They spilled milk, banged spoons on the table, threw food on the floor. Someone else's kid threw up. They had melt downs.
It was chaos.
No one knew I was about to have a miscarriage.
I'm a mommy.
After we got home and put the kids down for their naps I lost our baby. And then I lost it.
I walked into the kitchen to tell Jeremy. He held me and I sobbed harder than I can remember ever sobbing. I fell to the floor and he held me and I sobbed. I didn't know I could sound like that...shake like that.
I drifted in and out of sleep on the couch while my kids played with their daddy. Every now and then Luci would come running up to the couch and startle me awake. She wanted her momma to play. I pulled her up on the couch with me and she was just so happy to be there. She needed me and I needed her.
I woke this morning and we went to church. I saw friends. I worshipped. No one knew I had a miscarriage.
Hallelujah! Our Savior is Alive!
Our sermon at church this morning was so what I needed to hear...confirmation of what I already know. Life on earth can never live up to all our hopes and expectations. But Thank You Jesus. You will. I may never have my arms full of enough kids. I may never be smart, pretty, skinny or organized enough. I will surely have more heartache in this life. Thank you Lord for the hope I have in You. Thank you for all the blessings you've given me on this earth. Jeremy, Chance and Luci, my family & friends.
We came home and "hid" Easter Eggs for the kids outside. It was a beautiful day. I loved watching them run through the grass. It's still such a new sensation for them. They aren't quite Sure if they like grass or not but they love the eggs.
It's hard to grieve on a day like today.
I'm not brave. I'm a mommy.
Thank you Sun.
Thank you Breeze.
Thank You Jesus for washing me clean.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The End of Dreaming...
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." - Job 1:21
We had our 7 week ultrasound today. Dr. Wilshire confirmed that there was no yolk and no heartbeat. This pregnancy is not to be. I have stopped all of my hormones and should expect to start miscarrying soon. I am heartbroken. I went into this praying for God's will to be done and at peace with whatever the outcome might be. I really expected the outcome to be more black and white from the beginning. (+) = baby and (-) = no baby. We have been cautiously optimistic from the start, not really sharing our news. But I still never really believed that (+) = no baby.
I don't really even know what to think. I believe that life begins at conception. I believed that those two embryos were babies. Maybe the one embryo that we never saw on ultrasound was...but this one that we will lose shortly, never grew the "baby stuff." So was I really pregnant? What am I grieving here?
Above all else that I feel today, I still feel blessed. After my appointment I just wanted to rush home and grab up my babies and squeeze and hug them and kiss them all over. There are so many women out there whose arms still ache for their babies and I have two. From the outside it might appear that I have nothing to grieve.
For the last two years I have been able to forget about infertility. I have been able to live life not worrying about if or when I might get pregnant. I have forgotten how painful this road is...which is also a blessing from the Lord. But now, I am right back in the middle of things. Realizing that I did not get to choose when my family would start and I will most likely not get to choose when my family is complete. I know full well that God's plan is far greater than my own. I couldn't always see that when I was going through treatments for five years, but once I laid eyes on my son and daughter, it became so clear. I still believe that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but my heart still hurts.
One of the many things I love about my husband is that he is a dreamer. He's always day-dreaming about a trip to take, an adventure to take the kids on, a house to fix up. One of the things we do sometimes for fun is buy a Powerball ticket. We don't expect to win and we don't put our hope in winning. But we love to buy a ticket every now and then when the jackpot gets really high just to allow ourselves to daydream about all the good things we would do with the money if we did win. See, if there's no ticket, there's no cause for dreaming. So we plop down $1 and let the dreaming begin.
Jeremy told me today that he was thankful we had the opportunity to have joy and to dream about these babies. He was glad we bought the ticket. God gave Jeremy and I that day at lunch to celebrate and laugh about how crazy our life would be when we had 4 kids 2 and under. For a few weeks God allowed us to see our two babies playing next to Chance and Luci. Allowing those dreams to take root and then having them ripped out like weeds hurts.
But I agree with Jeremy.
My heart hurts.
But I agree.
So we grieve tonight for the two little lives that we lost...but also for the end of dreaming...for now. We have faith that God will comfort us, heal us and give us new dreams. We look forward to this Easter weekend with Chance and Luci as we celebrate the ultimate ticket that was purchased for us. Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. It is only because of you that we dare to dream at all.
We had our 7 week ultrasound today. Dr. Wilshire confirmed that there was no yolk and no heartbeat. This pregnancy is not to be. I have stopped all of my hormones and should expect to start miscarrying soon. I am heartbroken. I went into this praying for God's will to be done and at peace with whatever the outcome might be. I really expected the outcome to be more black and white from the beginning. (+) = baby and (-) = no baby. We have been cautiously optimistic from the start, not really sharing our news. But I still never really believed that (+) = no baby.
I don't really even know what to think. I believe that life begins at conception. I believed that those two embryos were babies. Maybe the one embryo that we never saw on ultrasound was...but this one that we will lose shortly, never grew the "baby stuff." So was I really pregnant? What am I grieving here?
Above all else that I feel today, I still feel blessed. After my appointment I just wanted to rush home and grab up my babies and squeeze and hug them and kiss them all over. There are so many women out there whose arms still ache for their babies and I have two. From the outside it might appear that I have nothing to grieve.
For the last two years I have been able to forget about infertility. I have been able to live life not worrying about if or when I might get pregnant. I have forgotten how painful this road is...which is also a blessing from the Lord. But now, I am right back in the middle of things. Realizing that I did not get to choose when my family would start and I will most likely not get to choose when my family is complete. I know full well that God's plan is far greater than my own. I couldn't always see that when I was going through treatments for five years, but once I laid eyes on my son and daughter, it became so clear. I still believe that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, but my heart still hurts.
One of the many things I love about my husband is that he is a dreamer. He's always day-dreaming about a trip to take, an adventure to take the kids on, a house to fix up. One of the things we do sometimes for fun is buy a Powerball ticket. We don't expect to win and we don't put our hope in winning. But we love to buy a ticket every now and then when the jackpot gets really high just to allow ourselves to daydream about all the good things we would do with the money if we did win. See, if there's no ticket, there's no cause for dreaming. So we plop down $1 and let the dreaming begin.
Jeremy told me today that he was thankful we had the opportunity to have joy and to dream about these babies. He was glad we bought the ticket. God gave Jeremy and I that day at lunch to celebrate and laugh about how crazy our life would be when we had 4 kids 2 and under. For a few weeks God allowed us to see our two babies playing next to Chance and Luci. Allowing those dreams to take root and then having them ripped out like weeds hurts.
But I agree with Jeremy.
My heart hurts.
But I agree.
So we grieve tonight for the two little lives that we lost...but also for the end of dreaming...for now. We have faith that God will comfort us, heal us and give us new dreams. We look forward to this Easter weekend with Chance and Luci as we celebrate the ultimate ticket that was purchased for us. Thank you Jesus for your grace and mercy. It is only because of you that we dare to dream at all.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Are they Identical?
So we took the kids to Sam's Club today. Always a safe trip. The kids love it, they get samples and goodies and the carts are extra wide so the kids can sit side by side up front. Our trip reminded me of just a few of the funny questions and comments we get when we're out and about with Chance and Luci.
"Are they identical?"
I start by saying if you are, in fact, one of the countless people who have stopped me in the grocery store, SAM's, Target, etc. to oogle my kids and ask this question, I mean you no disrespect. Honestly, in my prideful way, I love the attention. But it's time for me to clear the air. It is genetically and physically impossible for a boy and girl to be identical twins no matter how much they look alike. In the words of that cute little kid on kindergarten cop, "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina." Enough said?
Now I will give you ooglers some credit. My kids do not make it a habit of displaying their boy/girl parts in public (at least not as of this writing) and my 16 month-old daughter does have substantionally less hair than her twin brother. In reality, it's barely more than peach fuzz and she could I guess be mistaken for a boy. However, I take back all that grace if she does, at the time said question is asked, have on a pink dress, pink socks and/or pink shoes.
I will also say that I find this question even more odd because Luci has bright red hair and blue eyes and Chance has brown hair and brown eyes.
Oogler, "Are they identical?"
Me, "Um...are you looking at the same two kids that I am looking at?"
Which also leads to another question we get asked frequently, which I understand much more than the "identical" question.
Oogler, "How far are they apart?"
Me, "They're twins."
Oogler, "Really? They don't look anything alike."
Me, "Really?"
Or we get the complete opposite...
Oogler, "Are they twins?"
Me, "Why, yes they are."
Oogler, "Oh I can tell, they look just alike!"
I don't mean to sound snippy and Jeremy and I do get lots of chuckles with these situations. I think some people tell us they think our kids look alike because maybe they think that's what we want to hear or something. I don't know...at times I can see the family resemblance, but they in no way look just alike. In any event, my kids are 100% biologically mine, they were conceived at the same time, I did carry them in my womb at the same time, deliver them at the same time. Yes, they are twins. Yes, they are totally separate and unique beings created in the image of God. I get that this whole twin thing can be somewhat confusing: Identical vs. Fraternal. I thought I could give you the simplified version in my own words to make it easier.
Identical Twins = 1 egg, 1 sperm, 1 fertilization. The fertilized egg then splits into two identical cells. These babies will look exactly alike; they have the same DNA and are ALWAYS the same gender. There is no "running in the family" for identical twins and it is not caused by fertility drugs. It truly is just a random happening of mother nature...but governed by God's divine hand.
So I guess this post has just been for me to vent a little bit about the funny questions I get asked being a mommy of multiples, but I love every minute of it. Hopefully, maybe, you have learned a little bit more about twin-life. Having kids that look so different makes me wonder what this little baby I'm carrying now might look like. Red hair or Brown?...hmmm...hopefully we'll find out in 34 more weeks! Thank you Lord for your multiplied blessings.
"Are they identical?"
I start by saying if you are, in fact, one of the countless people who have stopped me in the grocery store, SAM's, Target, etc. to oogle my kids and ask this question, I mean you no disrespect. Honestly, in my prideful way, I love the attention. But it's time for me to clear the air. It is genetically and physically impossible for a boy and girl to be identical twins no matter how much they look alike. In the words of that cute little kid on kindergarten cop, "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina." Enough said?
Now I will give you ooglers some credit. My kids do not make it a habit of displaying their boy/girl parts in public (at least not as of this writing) and my 16 month-old daughter does have substantionally less hair than her twin brother. In reality, it's barely more than peach fuzz and she could I guess be mistaken for a boy. However, I take back all that grace if she does, at the time said question is asked, have on a pink dress, pink socks and/or pink shoes.
I will also say that I find this question even more odd because Luci has bright red hair and blue eyes and Chance has brown hair and brown eyes.
Oogler, "Are they identical?"
Me, "Um...are you looking at the same two kids that I am looking at?"
Which also leads to another question we get asked frequently, which I understand much more than the "identical" question.
Oogler, "How far are they apart?"
Me, "They're twins."
Oogler, "Really? They don't look anything alike."
Me, "Really?"
Or we get the complete opposite...
Oogler, "Are they twins?"
Me, "Why, yes they are."
Oogler, "Oh I can tell, they look just alike!"
I don't mean to sound snippy and Jeremy and I do get lots of chuckles with these situations. I think some people tell us they think our kids look alike because maybe they think that's what we want to hear or something. I don't know...at times I can see the family resemblance, but they in no way look just alike. In any event, my kids are 100% biologically mine, they were conceived at the same time, I did carry them in my womb at the same time, deliver them at the same time. Yes, they are twins. Yes, they are totally separate and unique beings created in the image of God. I get that this whole twin thing can be somewhat confusing: Identical vs. Fraternal. I thought I could give you the simplified version in my own words to make it easier.
Identical Twins = 1 egg, 1 sperm, 1 fertilization. The fertilized egg then splits into two identical cells. These babies will look exactly alike; they have the same DNA and are ALWAYS the same gender. There is no "running in the family" for identical twins and it is not caused by fertility drugs. It truly is just a random happening of mother nature...but governed by God's divine hand.
Fraternal Twins = 2 or more eggs and 2 or more sperm. Each egg fertilized by it's own private, personal sperm. These babies may or may not look similar, but no more or less than any brother or sister would; they have their own unique DNA. Fraternal twins do "run in the family" but only on the mother's side. They are conceived when a mother ovulates, whether randomly in nature or by the use of fertility meds, more than one egg at a time. Also governed by God's divine hand.
In our case, utilizing In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), I was given Rocket Fuel (a.k.a. fertility drugs) to hyperstimulate my ovaries to produce many, many eggs. Those eggs were surgically extracted from my body and put into a petri dish. Add a good healthy dose of sperm from Jeremy to the dish, and we had 8 fertilized eggs. Octuplets! Well not really...but 8 little lives were created from our union. We had to decide how many we wanted to transfer originally. We chose two as is the standard of care in most IVF protocols. So we knew we were risking twins up front. And we knew they were in fact two seperate babies.Having said that, it is possible that one of more of our embies could have split after the transfer leaving us with a set of identical twins along with a 3rd brother or sister. (I can't even go there...) Or one of the original embryos could have died in-utero shortly after the transfer before implanting in my uterus at the same time the other embryo was splitting, leaving us with identical twins. You get the picture...it's all a matter of multiplication and division...blah, blah, blah. So it's not necessarily a given that if you do IVF and you transfer two embies and are pregnant with twins that they are fraternal and the same two babies you transferred into your womb. Have I totally confused and lost you?
OB's and Perinatalogists can sometimes determine in-utero whether twins are fraternal or identical based on their gestational sacs. Identical twins can share the same sac and the same placenta but fraternal twins always have their own seperate sac but sometimes can appear to have one placenta if the two have fused together. Already knowing I was high risk for having twins, we were pleased when we had what we suspected confirmed with our first pregnancy that our twins were fraternal with their own sacs and placentas because it is a far safer pregnancy that the single sac single placenta identical alternative. Another random fact I never knew about the difficulties of carrying identical twins.So I guess this post has just been for me to vent a little bit about the funny questions I get asked being a mommy of multiples, but I love every minute of it. Hopefully, maybe, you have learned a little bit more about twin-life. Having kids that look so different makes me wonder what this little baby I'm carrying now might look like. Red hair or Brown?...hmmm...hopefully we'll find out in 34 more weeks! Thank you Lord for your multiplied blessings.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Home.
I've been praying with Jeremy lately for contentment. Just to have moments of joy in everyday, no matter what chaos is going on in my house, regardless of how this pregnancy turns out. Not looking ahead 34 weeks but to live in the here and now and to be truly joyful. God answered my prayer today right in the middle of my living room.
I turned on some music and my kids and I were dancing. I love to dance and I'm happy that they seem to love music and dancing too. Chance and Luci have now learned to spin and twist and stomp. It's their latest moves and they are the cutest things I've ever seen. On a sidenote, they have also learned to hug each other. We'll it's kind of more like a head-butt with arms and occasionally crying is involved but the intentions are good and it's still precious to see.
My kids happen to like John Mayer's music. As of late, probably not the best choice, but my collection of his stuff comes from the pre-jessica-jennifer-saga and it is really good music. We normally spend all day with music in the background; bible stories, songs, nursery rhymes and the typical kid stuff. But everynow and then I'll play John Mayer. That's when the spinning and twisting starts. One of their favorite songs is called Homelife, it just has a good beat.
"I think I'm gonna stay home
Have myself a home life
sitting in the slo-mo
And listening to the daylight." -John Mayer
This was playing today and I found myself spinning around in circles, arms overhead...Luci and Chance were spinning around, bumping into one another, falling down, getting back up and starting all over again. They were laughing and squealing and twisting and stomping. I felt tears come to my eyes as I realized that I love this age and at that moment wished I could stop time and keep them this way forever. I love their smells, love squeezing their little bodies so tight. Love the all the noises they make. I was overcome by how precious these days are, even when they seem to be in slow motion at times. I felt nothing but pure joy and knew that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was home.
I turned on some music and my kids and I were dancing. I love to dance and I'm happy that they seem to love music and dancing too. Chance and Luci have now learned to spin and twist and stomp. It's their latest moves and they are the cutest things I've ever seen. On a sidenote, they have also learned to hug each other. We'll it's kind of more like a head-butt with arms and occasionally crying is involved but the intentions are good and it's still precious to see.
My kids happen to like John Mayer's music. As of late, probably not the best choice, but my collection of his stuff comes from the pre-jessica-jennifer-saga and it is really good music. We normally spend all day with music in the background; bible stories, songs, nursery rhymes and the typical kid stuff. But everynow and then I'll play John Mayer. That's when the spinning and twisting starts. One of their favorite songs is called Homelife, it just has a good beat.
"I think I'm gonna stay home
Have myself a home life
sitting in the slo-mo
And listening to the daylight." -John Mayer
This was playing today and I found myself spinning around in circles, arms overhead...Luci and Chance were spinning around, bumping into one another, falling down, getting back up and starting all over again. They were laughing and squealing and twisting and stomping. I felt tears come to my eyes as I realized that I love this age and at that moment wished I could stop time and keep them this way forever. I love their smells, love squeezing their little bodies so tight. Love the all the noises they make. I was overcome by how precious these days are, even when they seem to be in slow motion at times. I felt nothing but pure joy and knew that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was home.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Life.
Jeremy and I had our first ultrasound this morning. Dr. Wilshire was able to identify one precious little gestational sac. It seems as if our other little bean has passed on to heaven. I know I am incredibly blessed and don't mean to seem ungrateful but I can't help but feel sad too. In my eyes, it's not just that we "didn't get pregnant with twins..." Both of my babies were there, they were living little creatures and now one is no more. I think about all the previous infertility cycles I went through where a pregnancy just didn't happen because life was never conceived. It was hard, but I lost only a dream of life...not the life itself. With IVF, whether using fresh or frozen embryos, life exists and then life is lost if the embryos don't survive at any stage of the process. I just feel this loss more profoundly.
I cried a little after Dr. Wilshire left the room and I think Jeremy feels the loss too. I can't quit seeing Chance and Luci's little faces when I think about the baby who won't be joining us here on earth. Knowing what cute, funny and smart little kids they've become. It just makes me wonder more about what we just lost. At the same time it makes me want to Praise Him all the more for the miracles that we do have. I know with God's grace the sadness will pass and we will see His hand in all of this. He knows what we need. He knows the difficult road Chance and Luci had and perhaps He felt it best to take one of our babies, so that just maybe the other one might have an easier journey this time around. Even as I say that, I know that my thoughts should really be that the baby who is in heaven actually got the better end of the deal...but all mommies selfishly want their babies here with them on earth.
Dr. Wilshire was somewhat concerned with the gestational sac that he did see. He was unable to definitively locate the yolk. The yolk is what eventually will develop into the baby. It is possible that since our embryos were frozen he/she could just be a couple of days behind and 2 days can make a big difference in whether or not the sac is clearly visible at this point. With Luci, at this same stage, he was not able to clearly see her yolk either. It was thought that she was not going to make it, but at our 8 week ultrasound there was her little heartbeat going strong. So, we are concerned but we have great hope and faith. We've seen firsthand what God can do in this scenario.
Hearing this news immediately takes us out of mourning for the loss of one baby to praying passionately for the life of another. We have an appointment next Thursday, we'll be 7 weeks along, to look for the yolk again. If it is clearly not visable at that point, then we will know that this life has passed on as well and this pregnancy is not in God's plan for us.
"All of creation is a song of praise to God." -Hildegard of Bingen
I read this quote this morning at the end of a devotional I was studying. How true Lord. We praise you for what you have given us. We pray for the life of this little baby. We pray for 34 more weeks of growing and developing. We pray for a healthy delivery around November 18th. Thank you Lord. Thank you.
I cried a little after Dr. Wilshire left the room and I think Jeremy feels the loss too. I can't quit seeing Chance and Luci's little faces when I think about the baby who won't be joining us here on earth. Knowing what cute, funny and smart little kids they've become. It just makes me wonder more about what we just lost. At the same time it makes me want to Praise Him all the more for the miracles that we do have. I know with God's grace the sadness will pass and we will see His hand in all of this. He knows what we need. He knows the difficult road Chance and Luci had and perhaps He felt it best to take one of our babies, so that just maybe the other one might have an easier journey this time around. Even as I say that, I know that my thoughts should really be that the baby who is in heaven actually got the better end of the deal...but all mommies selfishly want their babies here with them on earth.
Dr. Wilshire was somewhat concerned with the gestational sac that he did see. He was unable to definitively locate the yolk. The yolk is what eventually will develop into the baby. It is possible that since our embryos were frozen he/she could just be a couple of days behind and 2 days can make a big difference in whether or not the sac is clearly visible at this point. With Luci, at this same stage, he was not able to clearly see her yolk either. It was thought that she was not going to make it, but at our 8 week ultrasound there was her little heartbeat going strong. So, we are concerned but we have great hope and faith. We've seen firsthand what God can do in this scenario.
Hearing this news immediately takes us out of mourning for the loss of one baby to praying passionately for the life of another. We have an appointment next Thursday, we'll be 7 weeks along, to look for the yolk again. If it is clearly not visable at that point, then we will know that this life has passed on as well and this pregnancy is not in God's plan for us.
"All of creation is a song of praise to God." -Hildegard of Bingen
I read this quote this morning at the end of a devotional I was studying. How true Lord. We praise you for what you have given us. We pray for the life of this little baby. We pray for 34 more weeks of growing and developing. We pray for a healthy delivery around November 18th. Thank you Lord. Thank you.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
My Baby Daddy
8 years ago today I stood on a sandy beach, celebrating having just married my soul mate. Even as I type it, I find the term soul mate to be stale, cliche', and not really the phrase I want to use but I am at a loss to find two other stand-alone words that describe everything Jeremy is to me.
Baby Daddy? Yes, but so much more.
Bread Winner? Yes, but more.
Mocha Maker? More.
Grass Cutter? Financial Planner? Travel Advisor? More.
Jeremy is the best dad I could ever pray for my children. I'm still thankful everyday that they seem to be getting more of his good qualities and less of my bad ones. Chance has Jeremy's curiosity and desire to figure out how things work. I love watching him try to put a puzzle piece in the right slot or fit a ball into a round hole. That's totally Jeremy. He's never afraid to take things apart around our house to try to fix them...and most of the time he does. Luci is the spitting image of her daddy; the prettiest red hair and lots of energy.
Jeremy is gentle and kind and non-judgemental but not afraid to stand up for what is right. Not afraid to confront someone in a difficult situation. He just seems to have a way with people. How to deliver not-so-great news in a way that is constructive and positive. He is a great manager and leader to his team at work.
Jeremy is one of the wittiest, quick minded people I know. He's the guy at the party who you think never says anything...but he just likes to sit back and take it all in. Waiting for just the right opportunity to pounce and all of the sudden he zaps out a one-liner, perfectly timed to illicit laughter from the whole room. I wish I could think of some specific examples but they would just be lost in translation. I do not have the gift of humor and cannot even retell jokes or stories without them becoming total bombs.
Jeremy is the provider for our family. He is not only the bread-winner but helps make sure the bread goes as far as it can. He's conservative, but not afraid to splurg on something that would really benefit our family.
Jeremy has been to more countries than I can count on my fingers and toes. He loves to travel and has given me the courage to visit places I might not ever have considered. He loves learning about other people, their culture and history.
Baby Daddy? Yes, but so much more.
Bread Winner? Yes, but more.
Mocha Maker? More.
Grass Cutter? Financial Planner? Travel Advisor? More.
Jeremy is the best dad I could ever pray for my children. I'm still thankful everyday that they seem to be getting more of his good qualities and less of my bad ones. Chance has Jeremy's curiosity and desire to figure out how things work. I love watching him try to put a puzzle piece in the right slot or fit a ball into a round hole. That's totally Jeremy. He's never afraid to take things apart around our house to try to fix them...and most of the time he does. Luci is the spitting image of her daddy; the prettiest red hair and lots of energy.
Jeremy is gentle and kind and non-judgemental but not afraid to stand up for what is right. Not afraid to confront someone in a difficult situation. He just seems to have a way with people. How to deliver not-so-great news in a way that is constructive and positive. He is a great manager and leader to his team at work.
Jeremy is one of the wittiest, quick minded people I know. He's the guy at the party who you think never says anything...but he just likes to sit back and take it all in. Waiting for just the right opportunity to pounce and all of the sudden he zaps out a one-liner, perfectly timed to illicit laughter from the whole room. I wish I could think of some specific examples but they would just be lost in translation. I do not have the gift of humor and cannot even retell jokes or stories without them becoming total bombs.
Jeremy is the provider for our family. He is not only the bread-winner but helps make sure the bread goes as far as it can. He's conservative, but not afraid to splurg on something that would really benefit our family.
Jeremy has been to more countries than I can count on my fingers and toes. He loves to travel and has given me the courage to visit places I might not ever have considered. He loves learning about other people, their culture and history.
Jeremy took us flying...just the two of us in a tiny little plane after he got his pilots license. He loves adventure. He rides a flourescent green motorcycle to work in the summer. He says it's to "save us money on gas" but I know he loves every minute of it and it is just one little way he recharges his masculine battery.When I was on bedrest with Chance and Luci, Jeremy made me scrambled eggs with ham and cheese every morning and served them to me in bed.
Jeremy loves me unconditionally. I'm so thankful that more times than not he sees me the way the Lord sees me. All my flaws, bad moods and sometimes just plain ugliness. He loves me when he's vaccuming or cleaning the kitchen floor because he has come to realize that floors are not one of my strengths. He loves me when the kids are throwing food on Louie and the floor and I have obviously lost all patience. He loves me when I drive him crazy trying to tell him something by explaining every last detail instead of just getting to the point. He loves me. He makes me want to be a better person (another cliche' I know). He just loves me.
Jeremy is my rock. Too much of a rock sometimes but most of the time I'm grateful for his even-keel approach to life. Lord knows I have enough extremes for the both of us! He keeps me grounded. I cherish all the more, the times when he does let his guard down abit and I get to see glimpses of his heart.
A few weeks back, we had been praying for our upcoming embryo transfer. I was pretty sure we were on the same page but loved it when he told me out of the blue he had changed one of his passwords at work to "2Morein10". I knew for him, that meant he was thinking and praying about our babies daily, even hourly, everytime he logged in or out of a particular application at work. He loved and was praying for these two new babies as much as I did.
Jeremy is my rock. Too much of a rock sometimes but most of the time I'm grateful for his even-keel approach to life. Lord knows I have enough extremes for the both of us! He keeps me grounded. I cherish all the more, the times when he does let his guard down abit and I get to see glimpses of his heart.
A few weeks back, we had been praying for our upcoming embryo transfer. I was pretty sure we were on the same page but loved it when he told me out of the blue he had changed one of his passwords at work to "2Morein10". I knew for him, that meant he was thinking and praying about our babies daily, even hourly, everytime he logged in or out of a particular application at work. He loved and was praying for these two new babies as much as I did.
Jeremy never doubted Chance and Luci would be just fine through all the trials we had. He held my hand while they were born, he heard their first cries with me when the Dr's told us not to expect to hear any... he got to change their diapers first...he loved sitting in the NICU with them in the middle of the night, just watching them while it was dark and quiet and I was down the hall sleeping.Exactly two years ago today we stood at the door of our Dr. unsure of whether or not to proceed with the IVF cycle. We just didn't know for sure if it was God's answer for us, or us just trying to force a baby into our family. God spoke to me very clearly that day and I realized He was in control. He was in control of whether it succeeded or failed. Any baby born from that cycle would be God's will. We could not force it with any amount of medicine or procedures. After dinner out to celebrate our 6-year anniversary, we decided to proceed. I gave myself my first Lupron shot that night.
2 years later we have two babies sleeping down the hall and possibly two more on the way. The first 6 years of our marriage were filled with many blessings but also a lot of longing and praying about when our family would start. The last 2 have revealed the answer to those prayers many times over. I thank God everyday that He brought Jeremy and I together and that He has blessed us beyond our imagination and we know there are many, many more blessings to come.
I love you Jeremy. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving our babies.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Fortune Cookies
I mentioned in a previous post that Jeremy and I went on a lunch date the day we found out we were expecting again. We went to one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. At the end of our meal we each received a fortune cookie. I will start by saying that I do not believe in horoscopes, fortune telling or other things of the sort but I do believe in receiving little signs from God. I broke open my cookie and it said...
"Your ability to love will help a child in need."
I was so excited that the message mentioned a child...having just learned that we're pregnant. I wrote the date and "we're pregnant" on it and tucked it in my purse to add to our keepsakes for these babies.
Lately, I find that I can't help but ponder quite a bit on the "in need" part of the message. I imagine that no matter how many successful pregnancies and healthy babies a mommy has, every new pregnancy brings new fears that this could be the one that doesn't have a happy ending.
I am immediately taken back to my prayer at the time the embryos were being transferred.
"We accept any special needs of our children...we accept any difficulty that may come our way..."
Did I really say that to God? Did I really mean it?
I can say, in all honesty that at the time of the prayer I meant it. I wanted God's will to be done, but I also wanted those babies to live so badly. I think in some ways it was my way of bargaining with God. Let them live and I will do what you ask of me.
Now I am scared. What might God ask of me?
Our ultrasound to see the gestational sac(s) is Thursday. I can't really say that I have any symptoms of being pregnant. No morning sickness. Nothing really. But then again, I didn't have those things with my first pregnancy and I am, after all, only 6 weeks pregnant. Most mommies don't even know they are pregnant at six weeks. I just happen to have the exquisite pleasure of knowing the EXACT time and date my babies were both conceived and transferred back into my body. I still find it amazing that those two dates are 685 days apart and in the meantime I have two 16 month-olds smiling at me when I get them out of bed each morning...but I digress.
I have been getting more headaches, which I did also get with my first pregnancy. Hormone headaches I call them. I'm still being pumped with quite a few hormones to support the pregnancy. I suspect if all goes well on Thursday, this will continue for a few more weeks and then my Dr. will start to taper me off them. But in the absence of any other physical signs, even though my numbers were very strong, I am afraid that one or both of the babies won't be there. I am also afraid of something going terribly wrong with the pregnancy down the road.
When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Chance and Luci I started bleeding. I was terrified. I had been out working and immediately went home and called my OB. He was comforting and got me in to see the Perinatalogist but I had to wait 2 hours for the appointment. I called Jeremy at work and he arranged to come home and pick me up for the appointment. I just could not believe that I could be loosing one or both of my babies. I laid very still on the couch. I cried. I begged for mercy. I was afraid to move. The bleeding had slowed down quite a bit but I was afraid it would start up again.
Then I heard it, as plain as day. A voice and a peace came over me.
"Do not fear. This is not to be your trial."
Jeremy arrived at the house and I was still on the couch, but I just felt at peace. I just felt like everything was going to be OK. He took me to the Dr. and we had an ultrasound and there they were, my two little babies...moving and dancing...heartbeats going strong. There was no evidence of any bleeding from the placenta, so it was just considered benign unexplained bleeding; potentially just a ruptured capillary.
Later, at 21 weeks I went on bed rest, and what had been a pretty easy happy pregnancy was turned upside down due to a shortened cervix and pre-term labor. At 3o weeks I had a c-section delivery due to becoming pre-eclamptic. I remember thinking to myself...this is what He was talking to me about that day that I had the bleed. He knew I had so much more to endure. THIS was to be my trial, not THAT...not the loss of my babies at 11 weeks. It was by far the most difficult time of my life, but God was there. My babies are here. They are not just here, they are thriving. And yes it was the hardest time in my life, but now that things have turned out not just OK, but perfect...I look back and say, "That wasn't so bad...maybe that's NOT what He was talking about...What if there's more?"
All of these thoughts have not been helped by the fact that I have stumbled across some beautiful blogs of sister Christian women, who are telling their stories just like me. Thanks to Jesus, their stories also have a happy ending, but one that does not include them bringing home a healthy little baby. Their babies all went home to the Lord shortly after birth. I can't quit reading them. I am crying with them, for them. I can't imagine myself in their position and I can't shake the question..."What might you ask of me Lord?" or begging..."Please don't ask that of me Lord."
In my level headed times I know these are just the taunts from satan...trying to steal my joy in this pregnancy. Trying to make me doubt the Lord's faithfulness and mercy. Jeremy keeps telling me to "get off the internet!"...especially when he sees me sitting there with tears running down my face. I cry because these stories are sad. Why do I keep reading? Because they are the perfect example of beauty through the tears. Of triumph over death...they help me to appreciate what I have with my husband and kids but even more what I have in the Lord. But still there are mommies that don't have their babies to tuck in tonight, one of whom I happen to love and has been such a support to me. Thank you Kristin for sharing Amy's story that morning at bible study back in 2005...God used a tiny little life gone too soon to bring two women, who might not otherwise have connected, together in friendship.
Lord thank you for these two babies. I look forward to seeing both of them again at our Ultrasound on Thursday. I pray that it is your will that we bring home two more healthy perfect babies with all my heart, but I know you will provide the strength and grace to endure whatever may come our way....whatever needs our children may have. You are good Lord. All the time.
If you would like to read the blogs I have mentioned they can be found at:
http://www.loridoesmd.blogspot.com/
http://www.jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Thank you Lori, Lauren & Angie for sharing your babies with the world. Matthew, Jonathan & Audrey will not be forgotten.
Thanks for hopping on with me today. I'm sorry if this seems kind of downer but it is where my heart has been for a few days.
"Your ability to love will help a child in need."
I was so excited that the message mentioned a child...having just learned that we're pregnant. I wrote the date and "we're pregnant" on it and tucked it in my purse to add to our keepsakes for these babies.
Lately, I find that I can't help but ponder quite a bit on the "in need" part of the message. I imagine that no matter how many successful pregnancies and healthy babies a mommy has, every new pregnancy brings new fears that this could be the one that doesn't have a happy ending.
I am immediately taken back to my prayer at the time the embryos were being transferred.
"We accept any special needs of our children...we accept any difficulty that may come our way..."
Did I really say that to God? Did I really mean it?
I can say, in all honesty that at the time of the prayer I meant it. I wanted God's will to be done, but I also wanted those babies to live so badly. I think in some ways it was my way of bargaining with God. Let them live and I will do what you ask of me.
Now I am scared. What might God ask of me?
Our ultrasound to see the gestational sac(s) is Thursday. I can't really say that I have any symptoms of being pregnant. No morning sickness. Nothing really. But then again, I didn't have those things with my first pregnancy and I am, after all, only 6 weeks pregnant. Most mommies don't even know they are pregnant at six weeks. I just happen to have the exquisite pleasure of knowing the EXACT time and date my babies were both conceived and transferred back into my body. I still find it amazing that those two dates are 685 days apart and in the meantime I have two 16 month-olds smiling at me when I get them out of bed each morning...but I digress.
I have been getting more headaches, which I did also get with my first pregnancy. Hormone headaches I call them. I'm still being pumped with quite a few hormones to support the pregnancy. I suspect if all goes well on Thursday, this will continue for a few more weeks and then my Dr. will start to taper me off them. But in the absence of any other physical signs, even though my numbers were very strong, I am afraid that one or both of the babies won't be there. I am also afraid of something going terribly wrong with the pregnancy down the road.
When I was 11 weeks pregnant with Chance and Luci I started bleeding. I was terrified. I had been out working and immediately went home and called my OB. He was comforting and got me in to see the Perinatalogist but I had to wait 2 hours for the appointment. I called Jeremy at work and he arranged to come home and pick me up for the appointment. I just could not believe that I could be loosing one or both of my babies. I laid very still on the couch. I cried. I begged for mercy. I was afraid to move. The bleeding had slowed down quite a bit but I was afraid it would start up again.
Then I heard it, as plain as day. A voice and a peace came over me.
"Do not fear. This is not to be your trial."
Jeremy arrived at the house and I was still on the couch, but I just felt at peace. I just felt like everything was going to be OK. He took me to the Dr. and we had an ultrasound and there they were, my two little babies...moving and dancing...heartbeats going strong. There was no evidence of any bleeding from the placenta, so it was just considered benign unexplained bleeding; potentially just a ruptured capillary.
Later, at 21 weeks I went on bed rest, and what had been a pretty easy happy pregnancy was turned upside down due to a shortened cervix and pre-term labor. At 3o weeks I had a c-section delivery due to becoming pre-eclamptic. I remember thinking to myself...this is what He was talking to me about that day that I had the bleed. He knew I had so much more to endure. THIS was to be my trial, not THAT...not the loss of my babies at 11 weeks. It was by far the most difficult time of my life, but God was there. My babies are here. They are not just here, they are thriving. And yes it was the hardest time in my life, but now that things have turned out not just OK, but perfect...I look back and say, "That wasn't so bad...maybe that's NOT what He was talking about...What if there's more?"
All of these thoughts have not been helped by the fact that I have stumbled across some beautiful blogs of sister Christian women, who are telling their stories just like me. Thanks to Jesus, their stories also have a happy ending, but one that does not include them bringing home a healthy little baby. Their babies all went home to the Lord shortly after birth. I can't quit reading them. I am crying with them, for them. I can't imagine myself in their position and I can't shake the question..."What might you ask of me Lord?" or begging..."Please don't ask that of me Lord."
In my level headed times I know these are just the taunts from satan...trying to steal my joy in this pregnancy. Trying to make me doubt the Lord's faithfulness and mercy. Jeremy keeps telling me to "get off the internet!"...especially when he sees me sitting there with tears running down my face. I cry because these stories are sad. Why do I keep reading? Because they are the perfect example of beauty through the tears. Of triumph over death...they help me to appreciate what I have with my husband and kids but even more what I have in the Lord. But still there are mommies that don't have their babies to tuck in tonight, one of whom I happen to love and has been such a support to me. Thank you Kristin for sharing Amy's story that morning at bible study back in 2005...God used a tiny little life gone too soon to bring two women, who might not otherwise have connected, together in friendship.
Lord thank you for these two babies. I look forward to seeing both of them again at our Ultrasound on Thursday. I pray that it is your will that we bring home two more healthy perfect babies with all my heart, but I know you will provide the strength and grace to endure whatever may come our way....whatever needs our children may have. You are good Lord. All the time.
If you would like to read the blogs I have mentioned they can be found at:
http://www.loridoesmd.blogspot.com/
http://www.jonathansbabyjournal.blogspot.com/
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Thank you Lori, Lauren & Angie for sharing your babies with the world. Matthew, Jonathan & Audrey will not be forgotten.
Thanks for hopping on with me today. I'm sorry if this seems kind of downer but it is where my heart has been for a few days.
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